blondieenyc

How do you turn a ho into a firefighter or a cookie maker? Here’s how! Couldn’t decide between those gorgeous two photos.  I’m sorry for ruining your Halloween!

Happy Halloween bitches! Enjoy the endless pictures of Mariah in really creative costumes like a sexy, fierce fire fighter and an Amos Cookies lady! God, she’s so awesome for braving the cold and scaring the kids away! My personal favorite is below where it looks like Cannon’s trying to throw something into her cannon.  Messy! Try not to vomit with the make out pics.  Keep in mind the woman is almost 40.  Where was the sparkly unicorn outfit I was expecting?

Getcho hands out my cookie jar!

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

When you’re rich, famous, annoying, want to fuck, and hopelessly want to remain in the spotlight, but you say you don’t..it’s easy to hop on two separate private helicopters (inconspicuously i’m sure) and fly on over to Jerry Seinfeld’s Hamptons waterfront mansion.  I can’t afford to drive a blocks worth of a gas and these two fools can fly two separate helicopters over to the Hamptons for a weekend of fuckery.  Just take the fucking plane together…bang it out and go home.  No one gives a fuck.  Except for Jerry Seinfeld who probably wants Madonna juice on his sheets.

It is now being reported. They were picked up separately from the airport in white Porsches and black SUVs.  Oh yeah, real inconspicuous.  No one would ever notice a bunch of nice cars picking up someone from an airport.

I’m sure this is also free publicity for Jerry and his wife.  Fame whores! (I’m a self-proclaimed fame whore in my own head.) Maybe they’re just trying to get Madonna a good lay to wear off the uptightness or take the stick out of her ass.

An insider took their fat mouth to the press, “The Seinfelds have been friends with Madonna for years. They’re neighbors on the West Side, so it’s really no surprise. And Jerry and Jessica go to her concerts whenever she’s in town.”

But being that their “just friends,” I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Contraception were kept elsewhere and Twister was brought out instead.  With Madge’s rules, I can see it now, “If you land on red…that signifies the devil.  In Kabbalah we are taught the devil must not conquer! Get down and pray!” Yellow. “I command you to piss!” Green. “You must sign over half of your Yankee contract to further advance my $500 million fortune!” Blue. “Guy has blue eyes.  CHANGE THEM IMMEDIATELY!!!”

Four hours later the same black SUV came back to pick up the two fuck buddies and one after another, the planes departed. So what pisses me off more? The fact they used that much of my air supply to fly separately to fuck in the Hamptons? Or that they only stayed there for four hours?! Fuck on the couch, fuck on the bed, fuck on the beach, have a glass of wine (too many calories for Madge?) I could think of a lot of shit to do in more than a four hour time span!

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

Michael Jackson will not be taking time out from plastic surgery to hang and perform with his bro’s like they did in the golden days.  Fact is, Jermaine Jackson opened up his fat mouth stating there would be a Jackson Five reunion tour and Michael would be associated with Janet opening up.  What the fuck is this? Where is their father, Joe, to beat their asses when you need him?

So Michael Jackson’s publicist revealed exclusively to PerezHilton.com that “the singer is NOT getting back together with his brothers and there will be NO concerts next year.”

Michael Jackson’s spokesperson, Dr. Tohme, in response to the rumors - begun by Jermaine - regarding Michael’s participation in a Jackson 5 reunion, has issued the following statement from Michael Jackson to PerezHilton.com:

“My brothers and sisters have my full love and support, and we’ve certainly shared many great experiences, but at this time I have no plans to record or tour with them. I am now in the studio developing new and exciting projects that I look forward to sharing with my fans in concert soon.”

Yeah bitch has been saying this for years.  I’m waiting for the song inspired by his nose and his facial disease.  Where the fuck is that inspiration when you need it? Millions of dollars in plastic surgery and it gets you nowhere, but pasty, crazy, and a free ride to Neverland.  You NEVER want to go there because you will either NEVER come back or NEVER forget the visions of Michael touching your winkie woo.

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

Is there something wrong with this picture? Do the two pups to the right look a little like the youngin’s on the left? Or really, do the two pups on the right look like the kids of the people they are dating?  Actually, I might say that Linda’s bitch kind of looks like her…so she in fact does like fucking both her son and herself. Oh and apparently, the really good driver dubbed Nick hangs out with his mom and son.  Hawt threesome.

As for Hulk, we always knew he had a thing for his daughter.  Remember when he rubbed lotion on Brooke? I also remember when I vomited last week from drinking, but that was a good kind of puke.

Anyway, do as you will with this picture.  Scratch your eyes out, call Jerry Springer, head to the hills.  Hogan infestation!

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

I love when a headline works in my favor! SaMAN Ronson’s Dj-bro ho, Mark Ronson, recently worked one of 23423423 Diddy’s parties he throws hourly and started to feel those hunger paaaaaingggs.  You see a bowl of brownies being passed around, hell, I’d fucking grab that chocolate, too.  Unfortunately, when you find brownies at Diddy’s party or any music ho’s, obviously rule of thumb: if you don’t want to get high, stay far away from the enhanced brownies, which I like to call SPACE CAKE (by the way, I had some space cake in Amsterdam it was delicious.  Delicious so much that it made my face numb and I dry heaved when I saw a woman pull out anal beads during a sex show and became paranoid that the Europeans behind me who were stalking us were about to jizz in my hair—but that’s another story.)

Mark claims he didn’t know the brownies were filled with the delectable ingredient.  Mark tells Page Six, “I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was starving. They were coming around with this bowl of brownies, and I grabbed three of them and just started scarfing them down. After that, every lyric sounded like it was the Cookie Monster yelling in my ear, and I started feeling really shitty, but I had to play through the set. I couldn’t just go up to Puffy and say, ‘Sorry, I ate a shit-load of hash brownies, I can’t do your White Party.’ “

You think by now being in the music business for this long and having to hear his sister’s sexual romps with Lindsay Lohan, the guy would know a thing or two.  I’m sure as soon as Lindsay heard this story she refused to nightly scissor twist with SaMAN for not telling where the drugs were at.  As for Mark, I’d watch out for Diddy.  Releasing this sort of information….well, the self-dubbed KING OF NEW YORK might just ship your ass back to LOnDoN!

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

Kids–err–Celebrities [do] the darndest things! Now I usually like to have my bowl of crazy in the morning with some crystal meth juice and cocaine induced toast, but this shits the craziest thing I’ve heard in a while.

So what do you think Jennifer Lopez’s D-Listed sister (alright, alright “C-List” if I must), Eva Mendes, talks about post-rehab (which you CLAIM you went to, to research a role) ? Duh! You talk about the stupid shit you do to maintain your youth. 

According to reports, Mendes likes to hang upside down in order to look younger.  Umm.  This crazy ass bitch who should probably start going to Scientology meetings next with Will Smith (welcome to MIAMI! remember that video? That bitch drove the car in it!) believes that allowing blood to rush to her head helps avoid aging.  Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Sorry, just got a vision of Arrrrnold in Kindergarten Cop.  According to a source, “Whether it is a photo session or a hot date, Eva swears by hanging her head down on a slant board for about 20 minutes. Allowing blood flow to your upper body and face will bring on a vibrant, flushed-with-youth look.”

What the fuck is next? First we have Madonna creaming herself $1000 worth nightly, this bitch hanging upside down…I’m waiting until Michael Jackson claims sticking your head in the freezer daily for a half-hour will help keep your nose in tip top shape which is why his nose has altered during the years! Plastic surgery? No way Michael says.

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

“Iffff IIII could turnnnnn back time…I’d give it all to youuuuuuuuuuuu-ah.” Repeat it just like that and it sounds just like it looks. Sorry, I googled Cher, I got that picture thus leading me to sing that gem of a late 80s pop song.  Okay so news here is that Sonny’s better half (Sonny was so fucking bad ass until he hit the tree…RIP) is brushing off rumors that she cancelled her last pair of Vegas gigs this year on account of cancer.  

Apparently, homegrandma says she cancelled due to allergies which made her throat sore and unable to sing.  She goes on to talk about since she’s sooooo famous, if she had cancer, there’d be no way to hide it, “when you have those kind of things happen if you’re famous you can’t keep them a secret.”

I smell bullshit.  I smell plastic surgery #118 gone wrong! Cheeks this time? Maybe she got the fat from her ass replaced into her cheeks and in a freak accident the fat soaked into her mouth unable to deliver or produce any type of gracious sound.  “Do youuu believeeee in loveeee after plastic? plastic? plastic? I can feeeeel somethinggg insideee my ass, I really do think my face is about cave in yeaaaaa!”

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

Picture courtesy of Perez Hilton, but I saw this and those two favorite words of my instantly popped into my head.  Not only is Aubrey O’Day (ex-member of the most memorable group in music history, Danity Kane) with Tupac’s rumored killer, but homegirl is chomping on a huge cigar (probably practicing for Suge later)  because as we all know Diddy peaced the fuck out on her.

Anywho, reason being for the hot mess…I’d say she’d be in category one or two.  I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s wearing a hot outfit, but maybe I’ll deduct a point or two given the fact that AIDS could possibly be found somewhere on her shirt–and some Suge jizz.  Now, that shit is damaaaaaged. OOOHHH!

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

When you’re the most sought out couple juggling six kids, A-List movie careers, and you have the world at your feet—why not spend thousands on six nannies to help you manage? We all should be so lucky.   I bet you Maddox is in charge of all of these bitches, “I’m the first! Get the fuck over here, bitch!”

On Wednesday, a report came out that Brad and Angelina hired six day nannies in Berlin (no overnight nannies allowed!) to help maintain the chaotic environment of six children.  Brad is in the German town filming Inglogorious Bastards directed by Quentin Tarantino.

So the goddess of light being Angelina Jolie recently learned in New Orleans that having anything less than six nannies made her cringe.  But of course their publicists deny this claiming it’s nonsense.  We all know how celebrities like to deny they need any type of help with their kids–helllooo! J-Lo!? I’m sure that bitch doesn’t have like six just for her huge ass and two twins–and you know Marc Anthony is just a little pussy whipped bitch.  Guarantee he’s not allowed to look into her eyes and can only refer to her as J-God on the Block.  Can’t you just picture this now, “Maria please scratch my right ass cheek…Leona get the left.  The other four please tend to the children. MARC! I told you no God damn sugar in the house!” as she stuffs her face with oreo’s and weeps to her treadmill…wait, didn’t bitch just work a triathalon? Puh-leeeeease.

How do I end up with a story on Brangelina and end up taking out my morning bitchiness on J-Lo?

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw

Say hello to your new President I think if Obama was about to present me his views on the economy and instead pronounced the ABC’s, I’d shake my head, nod, and completely agree that the ABC’s could get us out of this recession.

Class and Trash with an Edge of Sass*-Cw