blondieenyc

Amy Winehouse should consider being celibate for a few years until that bitch checks into reality because unfortunately, hot mess number two, Alex Haines, the dude she dated while Blaaake was in the slammer this year, has up and ran his mouf to the British media. 

After apparently “quitting” (code for being “fired”) from his job at Crackie’s management company, what better way to make some quick cash by mouthing off to The News of the World.  Here are some of the amazing HIGHlights:

- What we already knew, she apparently smoked CRACK for BREAKFAST from pipes she made herself out of bottles.  She also blew £3,500 a week on drugs in her darkest hours. “When Amy woke up the first thing she’d ask was, ‘Where’s my pipe?’. She often made crack pipes by putting foil on top of plastic bottles and then burning the drug. While she got it going I made toast with butter and a cup of tea for her. It was her normal breakfast.”

- SCREWDRIVERS! She became so desperate for every little drop that she scraped the residue out with that shit.  “When Amy ran out of the drug it she would cut the bottle in half and sit there on the floor completely wired, scraping the inside to get the residue with a screwdriver. She had to have a heroin and crack pipe near her or she freaked out. She’d keep taking drugs until she passed out. I reckon she spent £3,500 a week on them.”

- He also reveals how the once painfully thin diva was a secret BULIMIC—living on McDonalds and up to 10 Crunchie bars at a time. She even used HIS TOOTHBRUSH to make herself THROW UP afterwards. “Amy suffered from bulimia, which is why she looked so thin. She would have a massive McDonalds and then throw it all up in the bathroom. I found my toothbrush covered in sick, and asked her about it. She went really sheepish but told me she suffered from it for a long time. Several times I went into her bathroom and saw sick all over the sink. She lived off Crunchie bars—up to 10 at a time—packets of Haribo sweets and bottles of orange Lucozade Sport. Her heroin problems made her crave sugar.”

- And of course, we cannot leave out his explicit details about their daily sexual romps while Amy remained married to jailbird hubby, Blake Fielder Civil, he says: “It was like having my own little porn star. Amy was so dirty—she wanted sex all the time. We did it four or five times a day and she’d even wake me up for it. She was addicted to sex like she was to drugs.”

- “Cutting herself was her favourite pastime.”

- He says Amy became violent when she mixed drugs with alcohol. “When she drank with the drugs, she showed her worst side. She liked vodka with 99p supermarket tropical juice. Her behaviour became manic. She would cut herself or attack others. When she drank things got messy.”

- He was shocked by her self-harming. “The first time I saw her do it was after she told Blake we’d had a fling. She cut herself with scissors from shoulder to wrist.”

Um, uh.  Tell me something I don’t know? HOpefully this HO is getting all of the help she needs.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw

I’ve decided on marking Chyna as the first Holiday hot mess.  For the simple fact that this bitch was as cool as my dad and was rushed to the hospital Christmas morning.  And no, it wasn’t for tranny surgery.  She actually takes the title away from my dad simply because of the following story.

It was her 36th (yeah, okay) birthday and she was actually like that “ay-ay-ay” girl next to my dad…home girl was uber drunk! She was apparently so bombed that psychiatrists at the hospital were unable to perform a psych evaluation.  

Paramedics were called to her Burbank home just before 5 a.m. Saturday.  Her partying apparently did not mix well with some prescription meds and home girl ended up passing out.  Her friends found her with cuts on her arms.  Obviously they called 911.  I’d immediately call 911 if I was even in the same vicinity as Chyna.  I don’t trust that tran for a second.  

Now, after having made a fool of yourself on both your birthday and Christmas, you’d expect a statement released on behalf of your new rehabilitation plan.  Instead, Chyna says directly from the hospital:

All I really want right now is a hamburger and fries right now.

Where the fuck is Dr. Drew? I mean, I could care less about the hot mess, this is just another excuse to see the silver hottie on tv.

Kudos for acting your age on your birthday!

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw

Beauty and grace.  What I think of when I view this picture.  Yeah, okay so sue me.  the holidays aren’t EXACTLY over with New Years approaching, but I don’t think we can get any better than this hot mess of a story.

I’m all about quiet time during the movies.  I, for one, expect for my $11 an extremely quiet surrounding especially from those fucktards who munch down hard on their popcorn.  Slow down, chew, and swallow.  It’s SERIOUSLY not that hard.  Now when I do get a fool who is mouthing off (i.e. every tween girl during Twilight) I get pissed off.  Not only do I want to turn around and do a little slap-slap-slaparoo on the face of my arch nemesis, but I contemplate taking my Fanta and throwing it in their face as well.  All though I have these horrendous (but amazing) thoughts, I tend to just yell SHUT THE FUCK UP and that in fact works.  Don’t believe me? Ask any one of my friends.  They get embarrassed when I do so.

Which reminds me of the time I went to see that Kiefer Sutherland movie Mirrors and these two overweight tweens were sporting homemade Kiefer shirts (for real, they were) and every time Kiefer came on the screen, the audience got a “WE LOVE YOU KIEFER!” You would have thought a fucking Jonas Brother literally came on the screen.  Pun intended.  I yelled, my mom and friend, Christina, were embarrassed, but ultimately the trolls shut up.

Anyway, I’m blabbing now.  So the above fool, James Joseph Cialella Jr. of South Philadelphia went to go see Brad Pitt’s new movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, on Christmas day and became extremely frustrated when a father and son would not refrain from talking during the movie.  This angered Cialella so much so that he busted a .380-caliber cap in the father’s ass.  Well, not ass exactly, but arm.  

The victim claims he and the shooter started arguing with one another after he started throwing popcorn at his son.  As Cialella got out of his seat to approach the family, the father stood up to protect his son and that’s when he was shot once in the arm.  Of course people peaced the fuck out of there, but guess what is the best part of this story?  Home boy actually SAT DOWN and watched the rest of the movie.  

Police arrived a short time later and arrested the 29-year-old shooter.  He’s being charged with attempted murder, aggravated assault, and weapons violations.

source: http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20081226_Phila__man_shot_because_family_talked_during_movie.html

That’s some fucking DeNiro shit right there.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*

There’s nothing better than celebrating the holidays with Lohan drama.  The fact is the family is fucked.  They’re either a tool, lesbian, famewhore, or firecrotched.  That young kid Cody…imagine the freckled ass.  So now it goes without saying that Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael Lohan, is obviously a fameslut who publicly airs his family frustrations to the media.  So here’s the recent.

Last week or something, Lindsay wrote on a blog on her myspace about her dad.  Obviously it wasn’t a nice one, so now Michael is blaming her lezzy girl, SaMANtha Ronson, for the post claiming she was the one behind it.  

Michael says:

What real work has Lindsay done since Sam? Maybe she should follow Britney or Drew’s paths and get rid of the darkness and come into the light.

Well, in my opinion going to town on a vagina (Samantha’s especially at that) is some hard work, but bitch has made a point.  It gets better.  He actually goes on to THREATEN the MAN.  

Bitch says:

If one more blog or statement is made people will know the entire truth. I will release emails, texts, depositions and audio tapes that will prove everything I have been saying all along. If Sam wants to play, I am ready. But she better be ready too!

What the fuck happened to that celebrity punching show? I’d actually pay $50 bucks to see this shit go down.  It’s hard to say who would win.  In one corner, you have 180 lbs worth of bull shit and in the other, you have 90 lbs soaking wet with Lohan vag breath.  You either win by sitting or breathing heavily on your victim.  What do you fools think?

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw

Rumor has it that Tom Brady and Gisele are engaged.  He put four dozen white roses on a private jet from New York to Boston with his rents and popped the question.  Bitch said yes.

There you have it.  My dreams shall never be a reality like this ho’s.

Update: Apparently this shit isn’t true.  What the fuck ever.

Unfortunately at 5 a.m. Christmas morning I did not show up to a hospital that looked like this.  Instead, it was this:

My father, aka HOT STUFF, scared the living shit out of me when he woke me up at 4:30 am with his hand over (what appeared to be) his chest.  I started freaking out, crying hysterical, woke up everyone in the house, dialed 911, downed a shot of vodka, did the whole nine yards.  Turns out, it wasn’t a heart attack.  Rather it was his stomach.

After getting to the hospital around 5 am…it took them about an hour-and-a-half for a nurse to come over and hook up his IV, which was thanks to my ass complaining and threatening those stupid workers wearing reindeer ears to come over and help.  Before I get ahead of myself, let me backtrack.  Let me tell you my favorite, or rather, greatest moments of my time in the hospital Christmas morning.  If you ever need to laugh, going to the hospital on a holiday morning, WILL work best.

-Since I was practically the only sane person in the room, the nurse gave me the lowdown.  The above picture actually makes the guy who I’m about to talk about look outstanding.  The guy in the hospital was decrepit.  He lives at the hospital and refuses to leave.  He also had extremely long, dirty, toe nails with liver spots everywhere on his body.  The ENTIRE three hours I was there, all I heard was “ehhh! Somebody! Somebody! Helppp mehhhh…What time is it! I need my wife!” after he continuously allowed himself to bang his pee bucket on the nurse’s counter to grasp her attention.  Everyone just walked by him except for my mother the saint who will talk to anyone even if they have one leg and are pissing down their pants.  He looked like an extremely frail and out of it Santa Claus, but that didn’t stop my Grinch heart from shooting nasty ass looks in his direction. 

-The drunk latina girl next to me.  At one point as my father lay there screaming in agony and holding himself underneath his left boob, some bitch in the next curtain over started breathing extremely heavily.  EXAGGERRRRRATED.  “Ay, ay, ay, ay!” was all my mother and I heard in this bizarre Spanish accent.  Unfortunately, I did not get a look at this gem of a lady.  Although my mother assured me she had a really bad eggplant dyed hair job.  At one point the doctor’s came over and told her to calm down and then the breathing and “ay, ay, ay” starting getting even worse.  We overheard that bitch was extremely drunk.  The doctor at one point yelled,”What is your problem!” to which she responded, “HE MY PRRROBLEM.” We learned a couple of seconds later that she pointed to her boyfriend to which he pulled up his baggy jeans, waved his hand over as to say “through with you” and walked out.  We assume it was a beating sesh 30 minutes prior to getting there.  Booze and bruises merry christmas.

Then there was me:

Actually, that’s my dad the night before (Christmas Eve) with a pina colada, but that’s how I looked at the hospital when I became displeased with the service.  I basically went over to the nurse’s station, interrupted their MySpace pic taking fest, and demanded some help.  Squeezing my dad’s foot for two hours to get him to sleep just wasn’t working for my ass any longer.  Some doc said they were sorry, they were busy…hell to the no.  60% of the beds were unoccupied and figuring out which pic to default on MySpace does not constitute as “busy.” There was also some jackass running around with reindeer antlers and Santa Claus slippers.  I think I said that earlier, but that’s what pissed me off the most.  The hospital on Christmas morning is NOT pleasant and no matter how many doctors and nurses in reindeer antlers, NOBODY but decrepit old man I met wants to be there at that time.  Those antlers and slippers don’t make it any better.

Turns out, there was nothing they could do but give my old man some Percocet.  I was contemplating downing the entire bottle.  Doped up, restless Chantal on Christmas would have been pleasant. I then rushed home to watch a little bit of the 24 hour A Christmas Story marathon before opening up my grateful gifts and passing the fuck out for an hour.  Not to mention, this was the same day I had to go and meet my boyfriend’s extended family. 

I’m sure I looked wonderful.  I’m sure they’re also telling him to run far as we speak.  Kidding! Anyway, it was an enjoyable Christmas.  Hope yours was half as good as mine.

Also, the star of the show Christmas Eve was most definitely my brother.  And as payback for hassling me the past few years, I present to you some pictures and a classic video.  Triggering your inner Justin Timberlake and then realizing you’re on video doing it is more than a happy holiday.  Here’s my Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah to him:

Last, but SURELY not least:

God dammit! I can’t post YouTube videos anymore! CLICK HERE—-> http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=QLCYSUwFNjQ

swear it’s worth it.  Next stop: my drunk ass on  NEW YEARS.

UPDATE: Courtney’s newest response to Kim’s response to Courtney’s respone…exhausting.

update: this date this incident took place 2:20 am September 14, 2008 after.. Hyde Lounge closed early Sunday morning , my employee who got punched by rob and yes we have witnesses who can and will identify him, Brody was fine, he was actually quite nice to my employee and posed for pictures with his new girlfriend outside Hyde Lounge that my employee took.

My employee has on record a email to my manager about the incident right after the incident, photos of his broken nose which took 2 months to heal, he is better now just so you guys now and thanks for all the support. I did not find out about this til recently because he ( my employee) knows I don’t take fucking shit and I will go to my blogs if i have to make my point, however he went to LAPD and they were really rude to him..call me crazy if you want, but violence is not cool kids, especially towards people i care and who are loyal to me, given be a friend or a employee, I defend and protect the people I love and trust and that’s my point!
to quote the infamous line from the classic film MOMMIE DEAREST
“Don’t FUCK with me FELLAS…this ain’t my first time at the RODEO…”
xcourtney

Courtney Love’s blogs are made solely for entertaining purposes.  We know she’s either ranting about something she deems serious, but we as readers take it for what it is: laughter.  Basically one of her gays was backhanded by Rob Kardashian who apparently kept calling him FAGGOT.  So here’s the latest from Queen Court who delivered this gem of a blog Christmas Eve morning:

Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my GUY was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, then right after yelling the words “FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!” Rob JR punched my guys in the face. My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed, well lets fast forward shall we…the guy who works for me did not file a police report that night cause he did not need tmz’s camera’s outside this trendy nightclub to cause any more FUCKERY to what was suppose to be a birthday celebration, instead he came back to LAPD later and they told him to fold up his police report into a origami and hang it on his door.

Well, if you even consider hanging out with Brody Jenner, you’re lucky you only get a punch.  That guy has Forever Douche tattooed on his fucking forehead. So of course sister of rob, Kim Kardashian, who’s trying to find other ways of being famous aside from sex tapes and big asses had to open her mouth.  Here’s her shit from her own porn–I mean WEBsite:

This is TOTALLY FALSE! A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought… At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad.

Actually, if you just drink a couple of martinis, that shit looks like a bestselling novel.  I love how Kim blogs instead of her brother.  That’s because Kim’s one ass cheek could mess up Crackie Love’s entire bod. I would never want to be on CLove’s bad side for the mere image of her tracking me down, breathing on me….could you imagine what that shit smells like? and then blogging profusely about my ass.  That shit could ruin a lifetime.  With wonderful grammar and trustworthy knowledge, I’d be forever banished.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*

Obviously Kevin Federline peaked with Britney Spears because now he’ll never be poor and he’s got two meal tickets to show for it.  So obviously you only go down from there.  Well, home boy is dating some 6′0″ tall 26-year-old volleyball player who goes by the porn name of Victoria Prince.  They’re so close they’re even on the same Los Angeles bowling team together, called Party Animals.  Talk about bonding time!

Well, bitch has had some troubles with the law.  It looks like any woman who gets involved with this fucktard either has had troubles or will have troubles i.e. my love Britney.  Back in high school she apparently, “waged a terror campaign against three kids at her high school.” The parents of the kids even had to file a temporary restraining order against her. Well the judge was too busy and good for this shit and told the school to handle it.  She was also charged with possession of a dangerous weapon on school grounds.  It was a mother fucking STUN GUN.  Oh, it’s not over.  This girl is basically my new hero.  She was also charged with possession of alcohol by a minor and JUST last year she was arrested for “assault and disturbing the peace.” She plead not guilty and the case was eventually dismissed.

So Sean Preston and Jayden are basically fucked.  First two years of their lives, daddy made mommy so crazy to the point she shaved her head, you have the terror that is Shar Jackson being the disgruntled ex baby mama, and now you have this bitch with a stun gun! Trailer trash.  I’m sure on Saturday’s she gives stun gun lessons and on Sundays they spend family time devising plans to humiliate Britney.  Victoria’s a bad ass.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw

Ugh for some reason I can’t post this! If you enjoy big girls, christmas music, and christmas hats…you’ll have a ball.

link: ===> http://fr.youtube.com/watch?v=Sjh89ClYqw0&feature=channel_page

Not only was Paris Hilton robbed, but her uncle was right after! Stephen Michael Hilton was allegedly attacked by the thief who broke into his home.  These fucking Hilton’s are like the Kennedy’s.  Instead of assassination, we have burglary.  

And what’s with the robber? He stole about $2 mil worth of shit at the uncle’s the same as how much he stole from Paris.  Retard!!! You always make bigger bank the next time.  Especially if you’re probably going to be caught, at least go out with a bang.  

Well, now Paris thinks she may know who did it.  She doesn’t believe it to be a stranger, but someone who has definitely been to her home before.  After viewing surveillance tapes, she says, “I think whoever did this definitely has been there before. We have some suspects that I’m thinking of. You know, it’s just an invasion of privacy, and it’s happened to me before. It’s really scary but they’re doing a huge investigation on this, and we’re going to catch this person.”

Bitch better get some better security.  She says, “Obviously it’s devastating and disturbing that someone was in my home. [But] we have three security guards there and a 24-hour guard who is always on my property. We have the alarm on, [we have] the dogs, the guards with the gun, so no one is going to be coming into my house.”

And the obvious cliche question, what’s her personal message to the thieves you may ask?, “I would tell them to please return my things. They just have to anonymously have a taxi drop it off in my front gate in a box with my jewelry and everything. They won’t get in trouble. But if all this goes on for much longer, they’re going to get in more trouble.”

Yeah right! Wishful fucking thinking.  I’m sure Timmy the Thief is going to skip his way back to her front porch, ask for forgiveness, and give back everything.  I’m sure this is some crackhead dealer she dealt with years ago.  Crackies will stop at nothing for a little cash to keep up their habit.  It was like my diabetic dad last night crying over brownies.  Went to the hospital Christmas morning…actually I’ll post that in a second.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw