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Who would’ve know that these total ‘awesome guys’ would resort to getting paid for ass kicks? We begin with the douchers being woken up and angry…that’s how it usually rolls in the beginning of each episode.

Josh is visually upset about all of the shit he said about his woah-man Ashley the prior week — she’s a sixer in bed, she could weigh 2-300 lbs, and he’d like to bang a blow-up doll.  The guys coax him into spilling this in therapy to which he’s ultimately inspired to do so.  You could basically tell this 80 lbs wet douche to stick a dildo in his ass and he would.  Meanwhile, back at the girls villa, they’re all mocking Aida’s crooked nipples.

Ironically, the girls are showcasing their inner tool, but get away with it because boobs are much funnier to laugh at than taking your four inch dick seriously.

So then the couples are rounded up for therapy.  Trina (the therapist) explains that the lesson this week is on humility.  And since a bunch of Harvard grads are on this show

We have Tommy the Slacker Tool on camera saying, “What’s the definition of humility? It’s humor, right? Is it humor? Humor?” At least this mo took a guess, the rest of the guys had no idea what that shit meant.

For the humility excercise, Trina tells the guys they will have to evaluate the negative part of their relationships mixed in with a little confession all while wearing a bulletproof vest.  Unfortunately for us and ratings, none are actually shot and killed.  

Shawn the douche with two girlfriends goes first

No, he doesn’t apologize for stealing his girl’s hair gel to perfect his wonderous haircut, but he blames the relationship problems on himself and insecurities.  He says since Aida’s friends all date millionaires, he feels really self conscious that he isn’t one.  This leads him into putting on an act for a lifetime…the Tin Man actually cries.  Obviously this moves  Aida and her robot nipples because they sit and cuddle.  Unfortunately, her nips don’t cut him up.

Rob the roid face is up next.

For some reason, Karine’s nickname is “dude” because all Rob can do to form a sentence is “I want you to live with me. dude.” I can’t stop staring at his Mickey Rourke like mug.

Next is MEGA nothing.

With a really heartfelt expression, he tells Margo that she’s the girl of his dreams and will always be his best friend especially since she was there for him when he was betrayed.  This coming from a guy who disrespects the apparent ‘girl of his dreams’ on an hourly basis.

Next is Josh the weasel

He tells his girl that he deserves to be on this show because he’s the biggest tool of all by talking shit behind her back.  He tells her everything to which she responds by having a hysterical breakdown.  Who knew someone that tiny could affect the bigger picture? “I think you’re the perfect girl, and I’m the f***-up,” he says. Even though Josh is aware of Ashley’s weight problems, talking about them in front of the cameras makes it all the crueler.  To apologize, Josh gives Ashley his bowling certificate.   Fuck that! If I didn’t have a Tiffany’s diamond fucking necklace on my neck, I’d take that piece of shit $3.99 Walmart framed certificate and bust it in his face.  Apparently it works.

Next is Tommy…wait who? Does this guy ever talk aside from his thoughts on humility?

So far Tommy seems to be the one who actually gives a shit about his girlfriend.  His issues with Krista have to do with her ex for the fact that he’s jealous of their history and that they share a bond over their child.  That and Tommy gets to spend the kid’s money.  Krista responds, “Tommy’s actually thinking about things. That’s, like, awesome for him.” One dumbass dating another.

Next is Matsufuckinsucksflex

He talks about he and Jenna’s celibate relationship and explains that it’s not about sex to him.  In fact, he’s falling more and more in love with her.  This coming from a guy who bragged about cheating on her with girls named after days of the week.  Sex, important? Naaah no way!

And last, but not least Celebrity, Clarence, Celebrity, I don’t even know

He basically sells his ass out and admits he’s not ready to change his wannabe famous lifestyle.  Thank you for wasting my time.  At least we have this lovely visual of his pit stains.  Because he’s a doucher, Trina asks he and Cameron to stay behind after the rest are dismissed.

Cameron is basically humiliated and embarrassed.  Have they been living on auto pilot? She’s so angry that Trina tells her to hit a punching bag

Clarence doesn’t approve of her behavior because he doesn’t want to see his girl giving it hard to a punching bag standing in for him.  Bitch should be lucky that his girl didn’t just turn around and fucking knock his ass on the ground.

The next day the guys find out what the humility challenge consists of.  They’ll be forced to dress up as morons which isn’t so hard for them to do.  They have to sell baked goods at Universal Studios.  The guys either dress up as a super hero…or some weird ass fairies. 

Unfortunately RobRoid has a hard time dressing up for this challenge.  Tommy somehow convinces Rob to stay with his words of inspiration? I guess?

The guys make their way to Universal.  Once the game begins, these bitches try to explain to strangers why they’re in and what Tool Academy is.  If some fruit in a fairy costume came up to me with a box of cookies ranting and raving about The Tool Academy, I’d tell them to take the screwdriver out of their ass and replace it with a wrench.

MEGA shows how he can hustle big, while the Roid let’s people punch him in the gut for a buck and a kick in the ass for two.  Josh basically sucks and Celebrity shows off his vagina by doing splits and gymnastics.  At the end of it all, Shawn the hair fool wins and gets the conjugal date with Aida.

After sharing a carriage ride, Shawn’s all giddy to get on into the conjugal room, but unfortunately he won’t get a view of his lady’s alien nips because she refuses to give her milkshake up.  She explains in her mumbled accent:  “I’m not gonna do hit hit bang boom.” Since she’s dating a caveman, translation: “Not in front of the cameras!” Shawn goes back to the guys and gets hassled because the week before he was giving Matsuflex some shit over Jenna’s chastity.

Shawn’s muscles starting get pumped over shots of orange juice and he lashes out.  Somehow Shawn claims he sells more cookies than MEGA’s mom.  This would make sense if A) his mom was a baker and B) she entered late into the competition.  Shawn calls Mega a bitch, and MEGA replies, “You girl is, fall back.” I only wished he’d actually fall back.  I’d like to see exactly how that’s done. 

MEGA and Shawn somehow come down and reconcile / apologize to each other outside.  Dressed to impress, definitely. 

Before elimination, Trina rounds up the ladies to poll them on their boyfriends.  Aida claims to be falling back in love with Shawn, Ashley thinks Josh needs more of this, and Cameron basically tells them to dismiss Celebrity’s as because he doesn’t want to change.  At elimination, it obviously works in her favor.

Shawn gets the first pin and it comes down to Josh and Celebrity with Celebrity going home.

Is it just me or is Cameron’s ass bigger than Celebrity’s head? Outside Cameron tells Celebrity that it was her evaluation that got his ass sent home.  She repeats that he’s the biggest tool out of all of the guys

Outside, Cameron lets Celebrity know that it was her evaluation that did him in. She repeats that he’s the biggest tool out of all of the guys.

“I’m leaving here without you, and that’s all I have to say!” she says.

The most gratifying moment of this entire episode comes down to Celebrity saying ”Peace, bitch!” and then breaks into an impromptu booty dance for the remaining ladies…to prove what? I have no idea.

The first smart bitch on this show! Obviously in true Tool fashion, Celebrity curses out the Academy and tantrums his ass out.

-C

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