blondieenyc

Yes, this was clearly the most entertaining part of the episode.  Who knew Matsuflex had the powers of the Hulk? Edward Norton better watch his back because someone is clearly on his heels trying to take his role.

So the douchetools are first seen discussing how they can’t believe there are only six of them life yada yada while the girls–or actually, girl–Margo to be specific–is basically telling everyone how she’s over this whole show and how much she misses her family.  Yeah, don’t know why this broad was wasting my time either.

The therapy session is called to order and the theme of the day is Maturity.  I’m pretty sure last time I checked there was a recent law passed stating that “maturity” and any of the names of these guys presented in the show, are not allowed to exist in the same sentence.  Anyway, as we all remember in the beginning the guys thought they were on a show called Mr. Awesome.  They were asked to reveal their five year plans…it’s some riveting stuff featuring manties, boas, piercings, and even a nun chuck so be prepared to view the following:

I feel as though these are the minds of my eighth grade male peers. I also didn’t know that Macho Man Randy Savage switched places with Shawn for the day. 

Tommy the slacker tool’s girlfriend, Krista, doesn’t seem too happy with what Tommy said.  First of all, she should be lucky he said this considering what every other guy said.  Anyway, she’s concerned because she already is a mother and Tommy doesn’t even have a job to afford a kid.  Trina, the therapist, then dismiss the couples and ask them to revise their five-year plans consisting of both people.

Josh basically is setting aside his bowling hobby (no more peen sticking in holes to satisfy him fully) and fall back on his own business.  You know that shouldn’t be too hard or anything since he still has to start one.  Unfortunately, Josh and Ashley both have issues in the grammar department.  I didn’t know “living” was spelled “liven.” 

Shawn realizes everything he said has to do with material pleasures and that his girlfriend (or girlfriends) aren’t even in the picture.  He also claims he has to be smarter with money.  Rob and Karine are pretty normal and say they are working on moving in together and banging out some kids.  God, another Rob walking around…::shudders::.  Matsuflex claims he realized what Jenna means to him.  Tommy seems like he’s trying hard in the fact that he wants to have kids with his girlfriend and knows he has to get a job, but he lacks ambition.  Then we come to case of Margo and MEGA.

These two kids run into a problem when their futures differ.  And who would have guessed it? MEGA’s all for getting married while Margo’s giving a shit look and thinking otherwise.  God! How will it all end?! Gee, I wonder.

On to the most amazing part…the challenge.  The guys should basically take this challenge as a cake walk because they get to trigger their inner cavemen…which shouldn’t be too hard.  This apparent series of physical challenges will test their maturities with how well they work together.  First, they must spear down a huge mastodon-shaped target:

After that, they have to run and collect “rain” in banana leaves and coconut shells to fill a bucket up:

And lastly, a caveman’s gotta have a home so they have to build one with boulders and a skin roof:

We see our lovely ladies and fellas struggling, but perhaps the one who struggled most was Ashley who started having problems breathing and admits she’s out of shape

Josh, being the ‘great’ guy that he is, patiently tends to her.  Who would have thought this was the same guy that two episodes was claiming sleeping with a blow-up doll would be better than banging his girlfriend’s actual vagina? Anyway, Margo and MEGA win and it seems far from a romantic date.

They finally win the challenge, but MatsuFUCK and the rest of the house aren’t getting a romantic vibe from the two of them.  They feel as though they are best friends, nothing more than that, and are hustling their way through the competition to win and make bank.  Hey, if that’s true, it’s fucking smart.  MEGA basically pleads with Margo to have a romantic moment with him on their date and she basically laughs in his face.  Gee, I wonder where this is going.  She’s either not taking this seriously or she’s not attracted to MEGA in that way.  Bitch should be happy this guy even looks at her even if they are friends.  After the date there is a barbecue in which some of the contestants impersonate others. 

We have Shawn’s award-winning impersonation of Matsuflex which consists of showing his manties and unfortunately we get more than we bargained for:

We all should feel so lucky that we were graced with seeing an arch KUNG FU HERO tattooed above his genitals.  Though his junk may small, he’s obviously got big balls after the barbecue when he confronts MEGA and reveals everyone’s suspicion that he’s not there to save his relationship, but just wants the money.  Ah, really? These guys had me fooled!  MEGA doesn’t back down and calls a meeting.  This somehow really upsets MatsuSUCKS (See above GIF.) He starts acting like an animal (not too hard to believe) and even throws an apple! WOWZA! After bouncing a beer can, he interviews and says: “Don’t ever step to me and tell me you need to talk to me in an offensive manner in a defensive way as well.”

Really, he’s just PMSing and is hormonal.  MEGA explains that Margo is both his best friend and love of his life and that he doesn’t have to prove this to anyone in the house.  Shawn then gets up in his face and tells him he looks like ET.  Wait, is ET black? Good observation, Shawn, you’re just oh-so-smart.  MEGA walks away.

The next day, the guys have to put on some dweeby ass uniforms and attend their first class which is…GLEE CLUB! They are taught by one of the most flamboyant men I have ever seen in my life…Teacher David.  He teaches them the official Tool Academy song, sure to sell well on iTunes.  The song is just beautifully written.  Lucky for you, there are picture stills instead of me posting a video to ruin your eardrums.

Hey! Teacher David kind of resembles the Haim:  So that’s what that bitch has been up to these days! Here I am believing he was actually getting coked up on TV on that awful Corey show and here he is, coming face-to-face with his Toolish days and finding his true calling.

Anyway, elimination comes and goes rather quickly because although they try and spice it up, we all know MEGA and Margo are hittin’ the road.  It comes down to Shawn and MEGA.  It’s said that even though Shawn is showing maturity progress with Aida, he still acts immaturely around the guys.  Nooo way ! I can’t believe these LIES! They say MEGA is the most mature one there, but Margo clearly does not want to be here.  In the end MEGA isn’t so much of a tool, but they claim his girlfriend is.

Shawn then believes himself to be the Alpha Male since MEGA is history.  The caveman challenge should have been next week. 

Outside, MEGA comes face-to-face with his lady bitch, professes some love to her, and she basically avoids the whole L world by dismissing it and saying she knows how he feels.  She then claims that she’s too smart for this shit.  Yes, so smart indeed that she decided to waste three weeks of her life on an incredibly touching and riveting reality show.

-C

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