blondieenyc

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote about my favorite douchers in the world.  The Tool Academy returned to VH1 after a two week hiatus, which left me cringing in the fetal position, not knowing what to do with myself.

It was perhaps my favorite episode of all season—FAMILY DAY! THE GUYS CHASING PIGS! SHAWN FREAKING OUT! AIDA BEING CALLED A HOOKER! It was…EXPLOSIVE.

So as the families came to celebrate family day at the academy, Josh and Ashley are called into therapy first by themselves and are greeted by Josh’s mother and aunt and Ashley’s father.  Trina explains that family dynamics play a big role in relationships so it’s important to have their loved ones involved in counseling.  Basically this was shit made for good TV where the dad’s get pissed at the boyfriends and the mama’s hug their boys because they’re their “babies.” TOOL BABIES.

Back to family time aka emotional time.  Ashley’s father thinks Josh is a selfish sob while Ashley thinks Josh’s mother dislikes her ass.  This is news to Josh’s mom who considers Ashley as a daughter.  So she cries, he cries, they all cry together!

Nothing really is revealed, but Trina assures that open conversation is good…yeah, good for those of us watching and having something to make fun of in the future.

The most laughable couple, Shawn and Aida, are called in next.  They are met with her sister, Emma, a friend and his mother and sister.  Her sister’s a hot fucking mess with that hair and those looks to Shawn.  You immediately know that Emma has Shawn on her hit list because she refuses to hug him and constantly does this:

I’m also a little freaked out because I think Aida somehow threw a wig on, some ridiculously over the top contacts, and played the role of Emma.  That little rat looks tricky, I wouldn’t doubt it.  So anyway, Aida’s sister doesn’t get along with Shawn’s mom.  Aida’s side gets pissed off when they found out he started the show with a different girl.  Emma then goes on to say that Aida doesn’t take care of herself as a result of Shawn’s actions.  Then Shawn’s mother jumps in and says Aida has created a lot of turmoil by telling Aida “You have issues.” Really? Because the biggest issue is Shawn and that’s her son so hm okay.  By the way, this lady is the hottest woman I have ever seen.  Doesn’t the mom and sister kind of strike you as the lead roles from Carrie?

Shawn and his one sentence vocabulary manages to stay out of this mess.  But then…TWIST! It comes out that Shawn’s father was absent from his life from eighth grade on.  Due to his father being a dead beat (obviously Shawn inherited his traits) he and his mother spent a period of time living in a car.  Are we sure he’s still not living in one? He wakes up every morning with that poor excuse of a hair do that looks like he spent the night rolling around in the back seat.

Finally, it’s MatsuSUCKS and Jenna’s turn.  They are met by Matsu’s mom and sister and Jenna’s parents.  Strangely enough, Matsu has never met her family.  This is going to be GOOD.  Aside from that creating some good television, Jenna’s father is also a deacon and almost immediately, Jenna discusses the lack of sex in her relationship and reveals that he was doing the naughty dance with another chick.

Yes, it’s awkward…and it’s wonderful.  This gives Jenna’s dad the stand who goes on about his family-values philosophy: “We do believe a sexual union is precious and that God intended it to be between one man and one woman.  If you wait, I think there’s a blessing that comes from that.” From all of these trashy reality shows, have we ever heard anything even remotely similar to that? The most we get is the Rock Of Love girls wearing nipple tassels..if we’re lucky.

Which bring us to …. the CHALLENGE.

Since this week’s lesson is about family values, what’s missing from this equation? Host Jordan tells the guys that they will have to catch baby pigs and raise them as their own children for the next 24 hours.  Each guy will have to catch their own and then the girls will have to step in, change their diaper, and clothed them.  I didn’t know catching a pig was as equivalent as catching a kid, but whatever works.

It’s hysterical watching these fools chase after pigs like they chase after vagina.  Ironically, Matsu’s pig cops a boner and it’s the weirdest looking boner I have ever seen.  I won’t even put it up so put on VH1 throughout the day and I’m sure they’ll be replaying this shit for the 23424523 time.  After they clean and change the pigs, they have to put the pigs in those book-bag type of baby carriers.  The challenge was obviously ridiculous and dumb as are those who are involved in this show so it’s not too unbelievable.

So then they tools, the girls, and their families all invited back to a barbecue.  Aida asks Shawn if he’s eating pig and he says no it’s pork.  It’s unsure if he’s being sarcastic, but I’m going to go with no since his brain capacity can only handle so much.  Both Josh and Shawn are acting sweet during the family bonding time.  Josh stands out when he’s worried about feeding the pig because he doesn’t know if the pig’s teeth can handle corn on the cob.  He asks Ashley to cut it up for the pig…speaking of Ashley…

She makes up with Josh’s mom.  Unfortunately for Matsu…his extra time to bond with the family is basically a shit show.  Jenna’s family drills him to no end and somehow Matsu goes off about why he calls himself Matsuflex and how one day it will be a household name saying: “If I can harness that Matsuflex energy, it’s going to help change America in a positive way.” Yeah by making us laugh harder.  He continues, “Matsuflex is a revolution.  It’s going to change America.” I didn’t know he was a big fan of Kanye West. Jenna’s mother’s response?:

My kind of woman!!! Anyway, the families have to peace out and before they leave they all pose for a picture…that honestly should be deemed priceless and worth more than that photo of Madonna’s hairy snatch as a struggling artist.

It’s like the beautiful Christmas card my family and I get every year and we’re blinded by the beauty. 

So what awaits the couples as they return to their rooms? Pig cribs! I’m surprised the show didn’t make it better and explain that the actual pigs were the guys, but oh well.  Who knew Shawn had such a hatred against pig beds? He’s set off by this, but then again what the fuck doesn’t set this douche off?

For some reason he interviews that the cribs struck him as a “very wrong thing to do.” He goes on and on about how are animals and that they have no souls.  That’s pretty funny coming from a guy who doesn’t have a soul.  He tells Aida that he will not think of this pig as his child.  Whatever happened to imagination? There’s 100 GRAND on the fucking line! Moron.  She tells him that it’s only a representation, but he continues freaking out saying that this whole pig-kid thing reminds him of his childhood, “I stuck my arm up a sow’s p**** to pull a bunch of pigs out so that they would survive,” he says.  And that’s probably the same thing he does to Aida now…fisting.

Riddle me this, didn’t he freak out on Tommy two weeks prior about not participating? But when Shawn does it, all bow down to the high and mighty. And no, no one wants to kiss your ass dude, those cheeks are an atom bomb waiting to happen.

The next morning, the tools and the girls want some breakfast:

Vegetarian aside, how the fuck do you cook bacon when your fake kid is a pig? Oh yeah that’s because Josh has shit for brains and Ashley’s just hungry…what else is new.  Nothing is new with Shawn who is ranting to Aida about how they are the only “real couple with real problems” in the house.  He claims Jenna and Matsu are fake and are just trying to hustle $100K.

Aida: All of this can be yours as a Stepford wife in the future! A girl should be so lucky to have the honor of being with a baboon like this! Since the ape is on a path towards destruction, he brings this up at dinner.

Jenna steps in and tells Shawn she absolutely has no respect for him.  Shawn replies that he has never respected her because she’s full of shit.  We all know the most Shawn is filled with is gas from his ass.  This then leads to a face-to-face confrontation with Matsu.  He deems Shawn lonely.  Deep.  He then tries to egg Shawn on by telling him to hit him.

When Shawn doesn’t, Matsu asks, “Who’s the bitch now?” This causes Shawn to scream”What’s up now?!” and shoves Matsu.  I also find it quite amazing that Shawn’s hair so amazingly stands up through all of this.  He could easily use his over gelled spikes as a weapon against Matsu, but then I’m sure Matsu’s porcupine head could easily retaliate.

The girls are called in by Trina to discuss why their tool should stay here.  Ashley ends up mentioning Shawn’s crazy ass behavior and somehow Aida condones his behavior by saying, “If he wants to take a stance and fight for us, I’m going to let him.” And basically “If he wants to smack me in the face in hopes to better us, I’ll let him.” She then says she’s not fully convinced that Ashley’s relationship is real.  Why do Aida and Shawn constantly nag on other couples? Is it because they are trying to hide the fact that they are indeed hustling zee cash money? DING!

ELIMINATION TIMEEEE!

Josh gets the first badge because he was open and honest during meeting with the families.  He also must continue to work on his relationship.  Shawn made amends with both families, but treated the pig like shit because of his past.  Matsu was open during the meeting, but didn’t make a good impression because all he did was talk about himself.  What do they expect? MATSUFLEX is a REVOLUTION!

Shawn is called up.  Trina believes that his outbursts prove that his progress is only temporary and our favorite tool is sent-a-packin’! His outbursts lead Trina to believe that his progress is temporary. Shawn is going home!

Aida asks why he got sent home and he explains it’s because he’s “the most alpha male” and is a huge threat to the remaining guys.  …he explains that it’s because he’s “the most alpha male” there and a threat to the remaining guys.  Before leaving, Aida says she’s rooting for Ashley and disses Jenna.  Shawn that tells the two remaining girls to go fuck themselves.

Shawn is intercepted by the crew and Aida yells to Josh “Hey, just ’cause you dream about me when you fuck your girl, it doesn’t mean that I’m a hooker, bitch!” Shawn tells Josh to “go back to bowling.” Oooooooh he told him!  Upon leaving the house…again Shawn states, “I’m Mr. Awesome.”

And because he’s such a tough guy, he kicks the limo upon which he is about to enter to leave the academy.  And my favorite part of the episode? Aida’s departing words,  “I’m not a hooker. I just have style and I’m hot.” This show is too good for words.  Oh yeah, you can also sign up your tool boyfriend if you’re stupid enough to have one on the website! Rihanna? ? ? KUDOS!

-C

Trackback URI | Comments RSS