blondieenyc

You know…watching American Idol last night, I thought to myself…you know you love to watch this shit every week, every year so why not blog about it? If anything you get some satisfaction from pointing out people’s failures and what’s so bad about that? NOTHING…it’s phenomenal.  This year we’re lucky to have quite the “clusterfuck” (as Dobos likes to put it) of contestants…Adam Lambert aka Maybelline, Lil Rounds aka Fantasia Hair, Scott MacIntyre aka Willy Wonka Hair, Alexis Grace aka A Flamingo Shit In My Hair, Matt Giraud aka Justin Timberlake 5.0 (he’s like the odd looking version), Danny Gokey aka Robert Downey Jr., Kris Allen aka The Guy With The Pissed Off Wife, Allison Iraheta aka Angry Bitch I Love, Megan Corkey aka Where Should My Hands Go?, Anoop Desai aka Anoop–Noop–A–Loop, and Michael Sarver aka Who?

Best part…the fucking judges.  Paula Abdul aka I’m On Meds 24/7, Randy Jackson aka My Vocabulary Consists of DAWG and DOPE, Kara DiGuarwrarsfsd aka I Hunch Over My Mic, and Simon Cowell aka I Can Never Have Too Many Low, Tight V-Cut Neck Shirts.

And my favorite part? RYAN MOTHER FUCKING SEACREST aka I Have 2342423 Jobs While U.S. Unemployment Rate Is Up To 8.1%! KUDOS! Also we had the pleasure of seeing Randy Travis as mentor…is it me or does he look like he’s a phone call away from a studio head asking him to portray the next Crypt Keeper?

So yes…every week yours truly will blog about the contestants, performances, the judges, the Gaycrest, and anything else phenomenally amazingly terrible about this show.  Guilty pleasure? I think yes. 

-Hot Mess of the Night: Randy Travis’ Silver Wig Wearing Wife. 

-Surprise of the Night: Anoop Desai

Click continue to go through.

Who? Michael Sarver

I can’t stand this guy and he sang Ain’t Goin’ Down Till The Sun Comes Up.

Judges Thoughts : (R) It was a cool song choice but it didn’t show your vocal capabilities. (K) We got to see your personality. We missed the big notes. (P) You had fun and we had fun. This is the genre that suits you so well. (S) It should have been good. I couldn’t understand a single word you sang. I thought it was a bit clumsy.

Basically this guy blew more than LeAnn Rimes husband blows dicks on a nightly basis.  Every time he performs he looks like he’s about to have a heart attack and personally the facial ticks when he moves his head in and creates that double chin…it doesn’t work for me and yeah…I didn’t understand one word the guy said.  Again who is this guy and did he come out of nowhere? DONEZO after tonight I believe.
PERFORMANCE

Angry Bitch I Love Allison Iraheta

Every time she performs I feel like she’s going to stomp the shit out of the ground…this time around she did it to Blame It On Your Heart
Judges Thoughts : (K) I am starting to think you could sing the alphabet and sing it well. You made that song your own. Every week you are getting better and better. (P) Another rock solid performance. No one will ever take away the power to your voice. You will go far in the business. (S) I thought it was good, it did look like you were struggling remembering some of the words. Rock solid. (R) I thought it was dope.

Allison is so far from what American Idol usually goes for.  Any time there’s been a semi almost as angry girl…aka Nikki McKibbin who now rests her better days on Celebrity Rehab and Sober House, they always get kicked off and are never looked upon as a *great* singer.  Anyway, Allison was pretty good last night.  I agreed with Simon…sometimes she did look like she was struggling, but then her big voice would push her through.  She’s safe. PERFORMANCE

The Guy With The Pissed Off Wife Kris Allen

He doesn’t make me feel much aside from looking do-able from time-to-time.  He tried To Make You Feel My Love last night, though.

Judges Thoughts : (P) I am pleasantly surprised. I thought it was a pure vulnerable performance. (S) I thought that was terrific. Great choice of song. (R) You went out on a limb. Tender moments from Kris. (K) It was very Kris Allen.

I think I fell asleep through this one because I can’t remember it.  Yawnsville.  I love how they always snap a shot to his wife…remember when that bitch was pissed last week because Simon said he should not have said he was married? Anyway, his vocals were good…it was just a little too slow for my liking.  SAFE, though on the count of millions of tweens falling over themselves to his boyish charm. PERFORMANCE

Fantasia Hair Lil’ Rounds

She should have made herself independent from Independence Day.

Judges Thoughts : (R) Very interesting and ambitious song choice. When you hit the chorus you opened up and it got a little better. It didn’t look comfortable on you. (K) We know you are a great singer. The second half of the song we did get the Lil we are used to. It wasn’t your best but good for standing your ground. (P) Your vocals are spot on. (S) It kind of came over as a one of those girls that was forced to sing that at a wedding.

It’s weird.  I thought she was phenomenal when she was trying to get a seat in the top 13…but I think it’s because she went on a night where everyone was seriously terrible.  The girl’s got a big voice and I thought–if she was smart–she would’ve chosen I Will Always Love You.  That bitch would have teared that apart. She’s SAFE regardless because she’s proven her capabilities prior…let’s just hope she continues and starts to choose the right song.  PERFORMANCE

Maybelline Adam Lambert

His entire head reminds me of a Ring Of Fire.  He should’ve thought about stepping out of the ring and jumping into fire than actually performing it.

Judges Thoughts : (K) Adam does country music. All a little strange. I got my drama but it was strange but I kind of liked it. (P) You are someone who stands out and is true to who you are. It was a great choice of song. (S) What the hell was that. (R) It’s current, it’s young, it’s fresh, it’s hot.

Adam’s would be the outcome if Zac Efron, Robert Smith, and Trent Reznor decided to mate all together and somehow get knocked up.  I was scared if I’m going to be honest.  Not only am I scared when I see a guy wearing more make up than I do on a daily basis, but the whole Bollywood vibe to a Johnny Cash song?  It’s one thing to be genuinely original and it’s another to TRY and ACT like you are.  I think he also has a crazy eye tick…that or he’s trying to be sexy to land votes…I believe the latter.  He eye fucks America more than Sarah Palin did.  I’m surprised I’m not preggers.  He’s more than LIKELY SAFE– Plus he’s one of the CHOSEN FOUR I wrote about earlier. PERFORMANCE

Willy Wonka Scott MacIntyre

If they had a song about Wild Hair, it would’ve been believable.  He sang Wild Angels.  There was NOTHING wild about it.

Judges Thoughts : (P) Tonight was another impressive performance. The piano may be a bit of a crutch though. Mix it up a little bit. (S) Your performances are too similar. Choose better songs. (R) I am looking for the hot crazy vocals and I am not seeing them. (K) We want you to up your game. Really deliver it.

Scott’s not terrible, but I think we all give him a little too much credit since he’s almost fully blind.  Let’s be real here…bitch is better at playing the piano than opening his mouf.  I feel really awkward every time Scott comes up to sing.  I also applaud Paula for telling him to step away from the piano…yeah Paula and then have him fall down steps and sue Fox’s ass.  What does the bitch want him to do? Dosey-Do around Gaycrest’s wee little leprechaun self? I think Scott is GONE tonight…definitely should be in the bottom three. PERFORMANCE

Flamingo Shit Alexis Grace 

Do me a favor and never change your name to Jolene because bitch you cannot sing about it.

Judges Thoughts : (R) You didn’t hit the notes quite well. There was some pitch issues. (K) I think you lost your edge. It was a little flat for me. (P) That song was more effective for you than the others think. (S)I thought it was ok. It was a little bit sound a like. We will forget that performance in 10 minutes.

Oh this is like the little pixie that could.  Every time she gets on stage I want to go to my TV and try to flick her off.  I thought she used to be good? What’s been going on the past two weeks? Anyway, the performance wasn’t exactly terrible, but she couldn’t hit the notes that well and it was rather forgettable.  She SHOULD be in the bottom three tonight, but since she’s one of the chosen four…we’ll have to see.  PERFORMANCE

Iron Man Danny Gokey 

I’m biased because I love me some Gokey and to be honest bitch could (JESUS), Take The Wheel any day of the week for me.

Judges Thoughts : (K) When you hit your stride it is like none other. The front half wasn’t spectacular. (P) I love when artists build a story. I think you were brilliant. I think Carrie would buy that record. (S) You have to have a little bit of light and shade. My only problem is what you are wearing. You are going on a polar expedition and it is 80 degrees in LA. (R) The verses, you have to support them.

The first half of the song was God awful until he came around and belted the voice I usually do bad things to myself to…JOKE.  The second half made me forget about the first part.  I agreed with Simon.  When he stepped on stage, yes, I wanted to pinch his cheeks like every week, but I also wanted to strip him of the God awful polar bear-esque jacket.  He’s SAFE.  PERFORMANCE

 Anoop-A-Loop Anoop Desai

Very nice and surprising rendition of You Were Always On My Mind.

Judges Thoughts : (P)Anoop is back. I am so proud of you. The glove fit you with this song. (S) You went from zero to hero. That was one of my favorite performances of the whole night. (R) You can really sing. You proved it. I liked the arrangement. (K) Very hard to do what you did tonight. What you did tonight was amazing. Best performance of the night.

I’ve always liked this guy from the start.  I thought he brought a nice energy to the show.  Underneath all of that goofiness is a great singer and he proved that last night.  He took himself seriously and his rendition of this song was beautiful…I actually HATE the original.  He should definitely be SAFE.  PERFORMANCE

Awkard Hands Megan Corkey

I would’ve have been much happier had she gone walking about four hours prior and missed the show instead she showed up and sang I Go Walking After Midnight.

Judges Thoughts : (R) I thought it would have been a train wreck but I was impressed. It was kind of good. (K) Perfect song, perfect look. You’re a winner. (P) You are a fighter. You were fantastic tonight. (S) You should have the flu every week. You were better this week than last week.

I’m not sure if all four judges had some earwax built up or they were just mesmerized by her floppy tits laying delecately in that terrible, terrible dress.  I’ve though this bitch was horrible from the get go and regardless of her all of a sudden having the flu this week, she was terrible and sounds the same as she always does.  Plus the fake little cough she gave at the end of the performance? Weak and desperate…it’s odd she managed not to cough the entire duration of the song.  Should be in the bottom THREE this week. PERFORMANCE

 Justin Timberlake 5.0 Matt Giraud

Ugh, my baby boy right after Gokey.  There was absolutely nothing small about him last night when he sang So Small.

Judges Thoughts : (K) There ain’t nothing small about you. Amazing, I love you. (P) Your a authentic performer. You’re piercing through so many people’s hearts. (S) I don’t think you have had enough credit with your vocals. Tonight you out sang Danny. Great vocals. Terrific performance. (R) Favorite performance of the night. You got it going on.

All I can say is that he made me want to jump into the TV and have wild crazy sex with him on the piano.  No, okay well that was just a fantasy, but it’d be pretty hot.  Total Pretty Woman shit right there.  He was hands down the best of the night.  There’s absolutely no way he should be even considered in the bottom three or sent home so good job to Matt who took out his Justin and made those other bitches look like they were the other four in N Sync yowza! (aka Alexis, Michael, Megan, & Scott.) PERFORMANCE

So by now you all pretty much know who I think is (or SHOULD be) in the bottom three.  I believe Scott MacIntyre, Michael Sarver, & a toss-up between Alexis Grace & Megan Corkey with either Scott or Michael going home.