blondieenyc

Because we all know that the broads to the left are totally the fat tweens who created this shit.  Their meetings usually take place at the front of your local Hot Topic where they gush over the new Edward themed sweatbands and XXL t-shirts that just arrived.  They can’t be seen in the light because a) they scare people and b) they would not be truthful to their new religion because DUH vampires shouldn’t be out in the sun or they….AH! SPARKLEEEEE like a disco globe! Too bad the only shit that would sparkle on these dumbasses would be the grease from KFC which resides daily on their mouths and chins.

Anyway, this shit was much too precious to pass up on writing about.  It’s already enough that when I went to get the last book, I had to mingle amongst these heathens, the fact that they cause traffic jams at local Best Buys when the movie is released at midnight, scare the fucking bejesus out of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, prance around in their vampire-esque clothing out of the 99 cent Walmart bin, run around in JNCO jeans and have popcorn bits scurry across their t-shirts thus landing onto my fucking feet during the midnight showing of the film, but now these bitches think they’re so uber cool that they have to go ahead and create their own Twilight religion. 

Their creed, say the Cullenists, includes a base set of beliefs that ‘Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real,’ that ‘[t]he Twilight series should be worshipped,’ and that ‘[i]f you are good in life, you will be bless[ed] with eternity with the Cullens.’

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING TWILIGHT HELL.  I swear to you this shit is true.  Not only that, but you are expected to read from the Twilight books every day– “like the Bible,” –and since these mo’s took a hint and realized they needed to drop about 65 L.B.’s, they must make a a pilgrimage to Forks, Washington which is the setting for the book…I assume this is weight related since they are going to have to walk, you can’t expect me to believe these fat tweens have hundreds to dish out on flying there do you? Especially when they have to buy two seats per person…one ass cheek for each!

When people start making Tom Cruise and Scientology look normal, you know there’s a huge ass issue at large.  Pun intended.

-C

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