blondieenyc

No, a new Beavis & Butthead movie is not being produced and no, that’s not the lead choice for the role of Beavis.  That would be the bastard son of Farrah Fawcett and Ryan O’Neal.  Honestly, his name is perfect.  REDMOND.  Everything about this kid is RED.  Coinkydink?

So let’s talk about the many accomplishments of Redmond O’Neal.  Not only has he managed to toke up some crystal meth with his papa (and then get caught), but he’s still in drug woes even when his mama ain’t doing too hot in the health department.  How does one get away with being a drug addict time and time again? EASY! Follow these few steps and success if yours!

1. Claim Andy Dick Is Your Father

Trust me, the court WILL have sympathy.  Doesn’t seem too easy? One, your FATHER is Andy Dick.  Two, if you’re worried they won’t believe you, Andy Dick hardly knows where he is half the time so I doubt he’ll deny you as his kid.

2. Spice Up Your Luscious Red Locks

The court will be so mesmerized by your fire crotch that they won’t be able to send you away.  Dazzle ‘em, Robert Pattinson style.  Dye, if necessary.

3. Your Name Is Redmond

For the benefit of man kind and for the eyes of many prison guards, sending a white, freckled face firecrotched kid into the chokey is going to create many wall shakers in the shower pit.  That’s money to fix up the mess, pay workers over-time, and have butt hole surgery.  That’s thousands upon thousands of dollars, my friend.  Change your name, pronto.

Anyway, this kid’s been in rehab before for different drug-related charges, but guess what! The court seems to think he deserves ANOTHER chance to stay out of jail.  Did you see my three ways out of jail? PROVEN! According to a court spokeswoman, a Los Angeles judge has placed O’Neal in an “intensive drug rehabilitation program that includes in-custody treatment at Wayside Honor Ranch.” Makes sense since this is the same guy who ditched a rehab clinic recently.  Redmond best be on his BEST behavior because if he fails to complete the program (which could last one year), he’ll be facing the weens and peens in the shower steams–up to four years.

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