blondieenyc

When people hear the word divorce, it’s all “OMG’z” and “sorry this, sorry that,” but when you look like the couple to the left…did anyone think two individuals who dress like THAT together would last?

So let me tell you in this edition of divorce why these two were destined for the laundry hole.  Between Kelis’ Marilyn Monroe rat’s nest, droopy eye, drawn in loca brows, poor excuse of a Elvira outfit and Nas’ Napoleon complex, matching mole to his once beloved, and an outfit that can only be described as something Uncle Fester would try on in the dark, the marriage was a mess from the start.  NOTE: People, if you can’t dress well together, you can’t STAY together.

A little background, the two met at a 2002 MTV VMA’s after party thrown by Diddy then tied the knot in 2003.  DOOM, DOOM, DOOM written all over it.  How does one expect to exit out of a Diddy party with your one year later wife in tow? Leaving a Diddy party with an official bitch is like leaving free slurpee day at 7-11 without trying all of the flavors.  Hey, at least bitch is smart.  Getting divorced while pregnant is priceless.  You get child support for your overextended stomach! Oh, and she’s seeking spousal support…she’s in the M-O-N-E-Y!

I’m pretty sure Heidi Klum is forever pregnant.  This broad pops out kids like every year.  I feel bad for her vagina if I’m going to be frank.  I mean, it’s no Octomom, but you know once you keep poppin’ ‘em out, you’re going to have to one day do some nice vagine surgery to tighten that shit up.  Plus when you’re married to Seal, you know it’s for the good sex so if you’re not feeling anything wonderful down there, all you’re left with is his mug–and that my friends is just not pretty.

Anyway, word on the street is that Heidi is yet again pregnant.  Both In Touch Weekly and E! News are reporting this shit like it’s the next Messiah.  Bitch better step off Angelina’s plate or she’ll get Maddox and his knife collection on her ass.

God, I LIVE for THIS SHIT!!! Amy Winehouse’s life just continues to get better and better so leave it to Blaaaake Fielder-Civil (Amy’s estranged hubby) to have a bay-bay with that hid of a creature above! While preparing his divorce case against his once beloved Wino…this douche had time to fuck the pants off that creature and oopppps! BABY alert.

The woman, Gillenn, claims that she did the no-no dance with Blake in rehab and is now six weeks pregnant.  What the fuck is up with people getting preggers during detox? Can you believe I actually have local stories about that in my home town? Oh yeah, she also likes to needle herself in the arm because bitch is a heroin addict.

I can’t wait to see what a fuckery of a baby this is! Could you imagine what that little demon is going to look like? He’s going to pop out with his own supply of needles, heroin, and a fucking life time’s supply of Jack Daniels.

-C

NEWSOFTHEWORLD

Buffy and that guy Freddie Prinze Jr. are popping out a kid this fall.Yay.

Didn’t Nicole Richie just bring a creature into our world? I’m surprised it didn’t come out with tattoos and a pill popping problem.  Anyway, Joel Madden wrote on the Good Charlotte website about his baby mama being preggers again.

Here’s what Joel wrote:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

Yeah, I don’t know if a bloody life popping out a vagina with stomach insides all over it is better than a gold and shiny Better than an Oscar? Let me see. Oscars are gold-plated and shiny.  And I doubt they’d pop a little poo out, pee on your lap, or puke on your shoulder.  But, hey! That’s just me.

-C

Source: GoodCharlotteWebsite

Remember that picture I posted of Kate Moss looking knocked up in the sack? We all thought it could have been coke bloat or maybe a little water retention from the vodka diet cokes.  Well, it looks as though Miss Moss is knocked the fuck up.  Unfortunately, it’s not by her drug dealer.  That would’ve been some Melrose shit right there.

According to The News of the World, Kate is 12 weeks in and is expecting her coked up kid to pop out come August.  A source says:

“She’s vowing to be an even better mum this time.”

Oh this time? We always tend to forget she has another one of those baby kids.  Usually we only see pictures of Kate with her cokey friends on one finger, cigarette held by the other, and if we’re lucky balancing some type of booze on her head.  That’s not too hard to believe.

And the father this time around is Jamie Hince.   This baby is going to be one gorgeous looking piece with a coked up mother and a father who is featured on the Count Chocula cereal box.

-C

Congratulations to Mira Sorvino and her vagina for getting pregnant.  This will be the third time she pops out another pup.  She has two other kids with some no name Christopher Backus…four-year-old Mattea Angel and two-year old Jognny Christopher.

-C

Watching The View this morning, Elisabeth Hasselfuck (Hasselbeck) announced that she is going to birth another little mongrel Republican.  Call me fucked up, but some people should just not be allowed to reproduce.  This one aka Anne Coulter 2.0 is one of them.  The baby is due in August.  This will be her third addition to her mini Satanic Republican party.  May God bless our souls.

-C

Claire “That’s A Fat Girl’s Name” Standish is preggo with twins.  Unfortunately it’s not with Jake Ryan.  That guy was such a hot piece.  Also, how come no one ever discusses For Keeps? That was seriously Molly Ringwald’s hottest movie to date.  A preggo teenager who goes to night school and tries to get her husband off to college, but he’s too busy getting wasted.

Anyway, like every other celebrity mom out there, she obviously opted for some in vitro crap because she’s going to pop out a boy and girl in August.  This is Molly’s second daughter and first son.  

I swear if she doesn’t give Jake Ryan the respect he deserves and name the kids Jake and Ryan, I’m over this ho! Actually, I’ve been over her since 91, but hey it happens.  Even a five-year-old can feel that strongly.  Congrats.

-C

Screw the pregnant man a couple of months ago! This bitch has taken the cake! I kid, I kid.  Kimora Lee Simmons is preggers with actor Djimon Hounsou’s ay-bay-bay.  This will be her third child, but first with the actor.  They don’t do much for me so consider it lucky I even shared this shit.  Con-fuckin-gratulations to the gremlin that’ll pop out in nine.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw