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Archive for the 'Desperate Alley' Category

Apr 09 2009

Lindsay Lohan’s Officially A Crazy SOB

Published by blondieenyc under Breaking Up Is Hard? To Do, Celebrity Gossip, Desperate Alley, lindsay lohan, samantha ronson Edit This

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She might have a broken heart, but she still has time to get a fucking crappy weave! Unlike Britney who traded her hair for a razor and pink wig when she hit code crazy, this bitch decided to get some new fake luscious locks and…according to reports, use the paparazzi to find out where her beloved saMAN is.

“Lindsay Lohan was out last night [Tuesday] at a Tattoo Parlor. She was calling the paps to see who Samantha was with at the Chateau Marmont.”

I really don’t have much else to say aside from the fact that bitch has definitely lost it.  She also claimed on a recent pap video that it’s normal when people take breaks to “find themselves.”  Bitch is delusional.

-C

TWITTER

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Apr 08 2009

Desperate Alley: Lindsay Lohan’s Free ‘Us Weekly’ Depression Interview

Published by blondieenyc under Celebrity Gossip, Desperate Alley, FIGHTS!, Get Down With the Sickness, You So Loco, lindsay lohan, samantha ronson Edit This

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No joke this honestly has made my year.  Lindsay Lohan is officially a crazy and desperate bitch.  She almost has Britney beat.  She’s only a razor away from doing so.  So leave it to this hot mess to give a tell-all interview to Us Weekly.  Funny thing is, you think after being hard up for cash, bitch would want some payment.  She did this shit FOR FREE.

Although her acting career is basically shot to shit, she obviously has no problem being a tabloid loving famewhore.  “I’m so tired of this drama,”Lindsay Lohan tells the new issue of Us Weekly.  Lindsay, sweetie, frankly we’re tired of you, but at least we get to point and laugh.  In the new issue out on stands today, Lindsay doesn’t hold back anything…even her fucking tears.

Lindsay went on the record saying her dramatic weekend with once girlfriend saMAN Ronson was “humiliating.” She says, “I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. I was raised to treat people well.” No, you were raised by two drunk parents who parade you around, banking on everything you did when you were growing up dumb ass. Hohan broke down in tears, adding, that she’s “so alone”without Ronson. Que Harry Nilsson’s I can’ttttt livvvvvvvvvvve if livvvving is withouttt youuuu.  She’s just pissed she doesn’t have anyone to pay for her habit.

Lindsay continues and says, “Everyone’s turned on me.”  Sources also tell the magazine that saMAN tried to end things many times with Lindsay over the past month, but each time, “Lindsay threatens to kill herself - she cares about her but wants out.” Lindsay basically laughed that shit off insisting that she’s okay.  “I’m just really hurt!” she says. “The whole situation is sick.” Do they need a sequel to Mean Girls? Because here’s the fucking script.

Friends of the once actress tell the magazine they think Hohan needs to be institutionalized.  Great friends! Someone call fucking Daddy Spears up asap! Bitch is going…BONKERS! Who knew getting off the snatch was as tough as getting off the coke?

-C

USMAGAZINE

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Apr 06 2009

Lindz & SaMAN OVERLOAD: Break-Ups & Clubbing & Restraining Orders…OH MY!

Published by blondieenyc under AXED!, Breaking Up Is Hard? To Do, Celebrity Gossip, Desperate Alley, FIGHTS!, Hollyweird, You So Loco, family ties, lindsay lohan, samantha ronson Edit This

Okay so I’m going to present all of the Lindsay Lohan and SaMANtha Ronson dramarama in order of what was reported first.  You may remember on Saturday I wrote about Lindz being banned from a Ronson family event.  Well, since then…everything has just went completely downhill for the fake lesbian.

So leave it to good ol Twitter to air your frustrations.  It’s great to put on public display some private, personal issues between you and your current squeeze.  I totally get why Linds deemed it okay to sign on and accuse Saman of everything from crazy drug use to cheating. 

Although her profile is set to private, obviously many a peeps got to see what the once teen queen wrote.  Ronson decided to take the dick out of her ass, suck it up, and not respond to these accusations because like most normal people in the world, Twitter is not seen as a therapist nor a way out to express yourself.

Interested in reading these Twitter rants? Luckily a friend of Perez Hilton got ‘em and sent ‘em over.  Here you go and make sure to read from the bottom up:

@jackdaniels9oh- it’s like this? fine. Byebye
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@lilyroseallenoy dafty fella  ring me on my cellular woman. d message me for the new digiez
about 1 hour ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@lilyroseallenOMG WOMAN! CAWLLLL MEEEEEEEE im meeting you in san fran babydoll
about 2 hours ago from web in reply to lilyroseallen

@jackdaniels9ask ur sister 2 stop yelling profanity plz;;stop doing drugs. and tell charlotte to do more-she could loose a stone or 10.
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@jackdaniels9please go away. & go to bed. u work hard, & u need some rest. those around u are clearly negative influences. miss u.be wellxx
about 9 hours ago from web in reply to jackdaniels9

@jackdaniels9look, im doing this publicly because u&ur friends call people mag..so-you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels PLEASE leave me ALONE. and stop staying in the room below me, you’ve woken me and my mother up. go to bed. keep cheating u win
about 10 hours ago from web

being cheated on does wonders to you
about 10 hours ago from web

@jackdaniels9 I was right all along. Cheat
about 21 hours ago from TwitterBerry

This shit is better than any day time soap opera…I love when famous people make themselves look like morons.  It’s so refreshing and wonderful.  Shortly after these discoveries, Lindsay has decided to share with us the break up between she and SaMAN.  Through a brief statement, today, Lindsay says:

“We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.”

Focus.  Hm, focus, Lindsay? Focus on your AMAZING future projects which entails your lovely tanning lotion and what else…uhh…your straight to TV movie Labor Pains? Okay.

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Apr 01 2009

Because Being The Next Miley Cyrus Is What Counts

Published by blondieenyc under David Hasselhoff, Desperate Alley, Music News, STFU! Edit This

David Hasselhoff is a lot of things.  Famed terrible actor from Baywatch, drunk cheeseburger eater, and a messy divorce kind of guy.  One thing he and his spawn will never be = successful in the music business.  Has anyone ever heard some of the great classic tunes he recorded for Baywatch?  Or the more recent 2006 release Jump In My Car? How could you not? They’re glorious and brilliant.

Well, Hoff thinks his daughters, 18-year-old Taylor Ann and 16-year-old Hayley Amber, have what it takes to become the next princesses of pop.  Cue in Hulk Hogan and his hot mess of a son, Brooke. 

Meet the Hoff Drops…a name only daddy likes to call them.  He’s pairing them with top songwriters and spending loads of cash on studio time.  Because in a recession that’s what we should do…produce more and more useless shit to make our ears bleed.  According to Radio 1 DJ Scott Mills:

“David really wants it to work — it’s all he talks about. He will be advising them, but he’s looking for full-time management for them. He’s sorted it all out and he’s very hands-on.”

Best part of it all? The DJ continues:

“They’re recording a song together. It’s like Miley Cyrus-ish pop — it’s teen pop.”

We already have one of that bitch, do we really need two other mo’s from a Z-List father try to match that shit? That’s not even testing the waters of being semi-talented, that’s just plain ‘ol saying you want to make an easy buck the easiest, most possible way because the most creative that Miley bitch is the fact she includes her best friend Leslie in a song…hey! she’s just being Miley! Both better get a facial and the other better lay off the cheeseburgers if they even dream of getting some sort of attention.  Who am I kidding? Their dad is David fucking Hasselhoff and you don’t hassle the hoff.  But you can JUMP IN HIS CAR below

-C

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Mar 23 2009

Desperate Alley: LeAnn Rimes & Hubby Kiss In Public

Published by blondieenyc under Desperate Alley, LeAnn Rimes Edit This

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If that doesn’t have DESPERATE tattooed on it, then I don’t know what does.  Is this the first time we’ve seen these two actually embrace one another? You know Dean Sheremet closed his eyes, dug up an old memory, and pretended that LeAnne’s face was that of the quarterback he went to high school with and ultimately had his first sexual experience with.  TIGHT END…I think not.

-C

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Mar 23 2009

Desperate Alley: Lindsay Wants To Model

Published by blondieenyc under Celebrity Gossip, Desperate Alley, lindsay lohan Edit This

If at first you don’t succeed in acting, dust yourself off and try modeling.  Especially if you’re a coke addicted, non-eating whorebag likeLindsay Lohan.

We’ve already heard this bitch complaining about not finding work and apparently trying to work on something with Sean Penn *ahem*his dick*ahem*.  And although this bitch can somehow afford to buy a new car, she’s still hard up for cash and begging for work.

Now this bitch thinks she can model.  In a recent interview, HoHan said she’d love to sign up with IMG modeling agency.  Makes sense.  They repped Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss…anger management and a coke head.  They’re famous for it so this should work for Lindz!

And somehow it just so happens that a rep from IMG has confirmed they’d actually like to meet with her.  Ivan Fart (typo but I’m keeping it) the Senior VP of IMG Models says that:

“She’s a beautiful girl and obviously knows a lot about fashion. Providing that she was contractually free, we would take a meeting.”

Unless they have an unlimited supply of crack cocaine and WEEKLY BIG-MACS waiting for this BIA, I doubt she’ll make it to the interview. This bitch modeling? That’s sad.  Going from having ONE hit movie to walking during Fashion Week.  What could this bitch sell? Dime bag purses with a 2-for-1 sale of special reefer leggings?

-C

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Mar 20 2009

Desperate Alley: Lindsay Lohan Wants Work

Published by blondieenyc under Desperate Alley, lindsay lohan Edit This

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There’s a fine line between having a love for / finding work and then being plain ass desperate.  Unfortunately Lindsay Lohan doesn’t mind letting us know that she’s a desperate SOB.  She’s basically begging for work in the new issue of Nylon magazine.

She says:

“It’s scary when you realize, ‘Oh my God, I’m not working. And have a house to pay for now.’ “

Wasn’t this bitch once successful? Methinks if she would’ve saved it rather than spent it…aka middle of the night coke runs…who am I kidding? She ate that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner…definitely still does.  Anyway, she should be pretty much set for life, but she let the coke residue get to her.  Lindsay actually made an ass out of herself when she went to try out for Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland.  When I say made an ass out of herself, her just purely showing up makes her look like an ass.  Why would she even think Burton would cast her in one of his films? The only thing he’d consider casting her as would be the drug smoking caterpillar.  Maybe you can’t find work, Lindsay, because you ultimately suck as an actress.  The only movie you did well in was Mean Girls and that’s because you played yourself during the latter half.

About trying out for the Burton film:

“That didn’t work out. It is what it is. You’re not right for the part, and that’s it. I can take it, I’m a big girl.”

But somehow she claims she’s in discussions with Sean Penn to work on a future project.  She says:

“I’m talking to a lot of people right now. One is Sean Penn – I spoke to him again the other day. We’re trying to get Seth Rogen for this project, but Seth won’t call us back. So call us back, Seth, if you’re reading this!”

Two reasons why Sean is giving her the time of day.  1) She more than likely has a great drug dealer with some killer uppers and 2) 23-year-old tits and head whenever he pleases at his beck and call.  And WTF Seth Rogen? Yeah, he won’t call you back because unlike you he wants to have a long-lasting career…matching his name up with this crackhead is Hollywood suicide.  Get your head out of the vag, Linds.  Make sure something’s confirmed before you go babbling about it all over the place!

-C

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Mar 20 2009

Desperate Alley: Lisa Rinna Begging For A Job

Published by blondieenyc under Desperate Alley, Lisa Rinna Edit This

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I really don’t need to comment on this tragedy do I? I totally love the guy in the back.  Lisa Rinna can beg all she wants, but a studio doesn’t want to be responsible both for a hot mess and her caving in lips.

-C

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Mar 17 2009

Blaaake Don’t Want No Amy, BUT He Wants Her Mon-Ay

Published by blondieenyc under Amy Winehouse, Blake Fielder Civil, Celebrity Gossip, Desperate Alley Edit This

Blake Fielder Civil ain’t got no mon-ay in the bank especially since he doesn’t want his prime piece and my baby girl, Amy Winehouse, back.  He does, however, want baby’s money.  Nobody puts baby in the corner…and takes money from her, only drugs.

According to Wino’s papa, Blaaaake is trying to cop almost $7 million out of Amy! Papa Wino says:

“Amy’s a musical talent, but since she’s been with Blake she’s barely been able to perform on stage, let alone make a record.”

He’s also quite worried about Amy’s desire to return to the drug fueled romance she once shared with her hubby Blakieee saying his daughter is “guilty of loving [Blake].”

“I’m not saying she is going back to him, she just wants to talk. But I want her to get divorced. I want Blake and his family out of our lives… She nearly ended up dead thanks to him,” Mitch expressed.

Bitch is dickmatized.  Methinks Blakey’s so backed up with coke that when he goes HEYYY OOOH (you know what I’m referencing) he releases like two quarts of fresh blow, ready and cut, waiting to be served.  That’s Amy’s signal to remove mouth and wait to catch it.

-C

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Mar 16 2009

Jessica Simpson: The Live Epic Failure Continues

Published by blondieenyc under Celebrity Gossip, Desperate Alley, Jessica Simpson Edit This

Did Jessica Simpson not get the memo that her life and career = shit? I love nothing more than a desperate hot mess whose biggest talent is that her mouth is able to stretch open so wide that I’m worried I might be her next meal…and I’m 1000s of miles away from her. 

The best thing about a desperate hot mess is when she fails LIVE.  To prove herself even more as an epic failure, bitch AGAIN forgot lyrics to her own songs while opening for The Rascal Flatts on Saturday night in Irvine.  Methinks bitch should either hang up the mic (or the cord around her neck), drug Tony Romo into marriage, pop out a few pups, and let the lard hang around since we all know she’s craving some twinkies.

Oh and maybe wash her denim ass shorts since that’s the only shit she wears recently.  Screwing up not only one, but two songs…the crowd erupted into BOOS and one reviewer called her performance “forgettable at best” and ends by saying her ”fame is far more reaching than her talent deserves.” YOWZA!

At least there’s a life filled of incest with Papa Joe if she gets desperate.  Ironically enough she ended her set by saying, “I can’t believe I’m here!” Neither can we and we’d like you to disappear if possible.

-C

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