blondieenyc

When people hear the word divorce, it’s all “OMG’z” and “sorry this, sorry that,” but when you look like the couple to the left…did anyone think two individuals who dress like THAT together would last?

So let me tell you in this edition of divorce why these two were destined for the laundry hole.  Between Kelis’ Marilyn Monroe rat’s nest, droopy eye, drawn in loca brows, poor excuse of a Elvira outfit and Nas’ Napoleon complex, matching mole to his once beloved, and an outfit that can only be described as something Uncle Fester would try on in the dark, the marriage was a mess from the start.  NOTE: People, if you can’t dress well together, you can’t STAY together.

A little background, the two met at a 2002 MTV VMA’s after party thrown by Diddy then tied the knot in 2003.  DOOM, DOOM, DOOM written all over it.  How does one expect to exit out of a Diddy party with your one year later wife in tow? Leaving a Diddy party with an official bitch is like leaving free slurpee day at 7-11 without trying all of the flavors.  Hey, at least bitch is smart.  Getting divorced while pregnant is priceless.  You get child support for your overextended stomach! Oh, and she’s seeking spousal support…she’s in the M-O-N-E-Y!

She may have gotten the crazy memo later than she should have, but nonetheless she’s divorcing from the crazy.  Unfortunately for Mel Gibson he was served a nice stack of divorce papers on Good Friday from his wife of 28 years.

It’s been rumored that he and wife Robyn have in fact been separated for over two years, however, Robyn filed the divorce last week with the help of famed celebrity attorney, Laura Wasser.

So what did she cite? Oh, Gawsh this is a shocker…irreconcilable differences with the separation date “to be determined.” Because the separation date is not set in stone, the question of how much casssssh money of Mel’s assets his wife will be awarded is up in the izzair.  The two don’t have a prenup so everything will be divided 50.50.  Sucks for him.

She has also requested joint physical and legal custody of their 10-year-old son, Tom – the only minor remaining in the Gibson’s seven children.  Robyn has also requested spousal support and attorney fees from her crazy bat shit husband.  Unfortunately for us, there won’t be any kind of drama in the trash talking department.  THAT SUCKS! Mel and Robyn released the following statement earlier today:

“Throughout our marriage and separation we have always strived to maintain the privacy and integrity of our family and will continue to do so.”

Borrrring, think it’s because he calls her “Sugar tits” too much in bed?

-C

TMZ

This is the greatest prank I’ve ever heard of.  I’m just imagining Madonna’s face upon receiving 100 copies of Stephen King’s horror film IT.  As you may have read here some odd posts ago, Guy Ritchie has apparently nicknamed his former flame “It” after the killer clown, Pennywise from the movie. 

Not only did she receive the movie, but 50 copies of the book as well.  The book is always better than the movie just like the original Madonna face is more than likely better than the current one.

The deliveries were sent to all of her crazy amount of homes.  Madonna is suspicious of who is behind this act.  According to a source, Guy compared his ex to Pennywise the clown, who kills children because:

“Even towards the end of their marriage, he [Guy] would call her ‘It’. He told people, ‘We can’t make ‘It’ angry’. Or Guy would say, ‘Oh, ‘It’ is in a bad mood today’. There is absolutely no love lost between them.”

I just peed myself a little.

-C

Source

My baby girl Amy Winehouse is totally going to get fucked over.  Unfortch for my babes, her soon-to-be ex-husband, Blaaaaake Fielder Civil, isn’t getting divorced quietly.  In fact, he’s taking this shit way serious.  Probably because millions of her fortune can be his…what a mo.

According to new reports, he and his lawyers are getting together a list of Amy’s bad ass behavior and even having the guys she messed around with while Blake was in jail to get in on the action.

An insider says:

“He wants to put together a case arguing that Amy is ultimately responsible for the breakdown in their marriage. Blake is totally serious about this. He’s hired a top lawyer and is compiling a file of Amy’s errors throughout their short marriage, he’s even decided to contact the men Amy’s meant to have slept with. Blake wants them to testify to prove that Amy was unfaithful during their marriage.”

Kids this is why you stay away from the crack.  You get doped up and you marry a dirtier douche than yourself.  Eh I guess her vagine could have gave him the herps from sleeping around, but I’m sure all of the butt touching in jail doesn’t leave him far behind in the disease department.

-C

Custody battle go to Madonna in the right corner.  Poor Guy Ritchie will have to help pack both Roccie Ritchie and David Banda’s London stuff and have that shit internationally Fed Exed to New York City.

When you’re worth $500 million, I guess it’s easy to pay off judge’s and get shit your way because Madge has gained full custody and will have the children in her tizzown.  Immediately after a decision was reached, a ‘friend’ went straight to the London media, you know, to fucking seek some attention, says the ‘friend’:

“Lourdes was always going to stay with her mum. But keeping Rocco and David close to him in London was the only thing Guy really wanted from the divorce. He thought he had a real chance, especially as their school is here. He desperately loves those boys and is a devoted dad. Guy will still see his sons all the time… It doesn’t matter where they live — they will always have the hearts and souls of Englishmen. Football, appreciating the countryside, good humour and decent music — Guy’s determined these symbols of Britishness will forever be part of their lives.”

It’s said Madonna is set to get the US residency order made permanent within the next two weeks.  Was that Guy talking? That or someone who likes to swim up his asshole.  And with the whole British thing, NYC kicks more ass in all of those musical, creative, and athleticism areas….however, I still love London, but NYC shall always be my numero uno.

-C

I’m really not surprised (if this is true) that John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston have broken up.  Jen’s a hip away from being attached to him and Mayer looks like he wants a fresh bang.  

UsWeekly is reporting that the two have in fact called it quits.  Sources say that Jen acts like too much of a “control freak” and Mayer is “incommunicative.” Really? This coming from a guy who publicly spoke about his relationship with the former Friends star to the paparazzi? I find that hard to believe.  

Sources tell Us that the actress has once again split with Mayer because he “needed time to himself.”

AKA he didn’t want an older hag hanging onto him at every opportunity she got.  According to a source close to Jen:

“She feels he plays games with her head.”

And someone close to Mayer counters

“They have different needs, and it’s hard making it work.”

Alright.  Everyone just stop crying, it’ll be okay, have a shot, and get on with your day.  Dumb!

-C

Guy Ritchie’s father is such a hot mess! Hot mess and shit talker! In the new issue of In Touch, father John basically says he’s happy that his pride and joy is no longer with monster Madonna and that the divorce could not have proceeded anymore favorably. 

He went as far as saying:

“The worst thing would be if they reconciled” and is glad that Madge has “lots of boyfriends” because “she won’t be looking for him.”

Anybody who risks their lives by talking smack about Madonna publicly has my vote.  That’s total bad ass status.  According to Papa Ritchie:

“There are no big arguments between them. All they discuss is the children” and both parties are content with the custodial arrangement.

And I’m sure the children are going to love being jet lagged when they’re forced to UK and US it back on a weekly basis.  At least Rocco will become a prove by wooing the flight attendants into the bathroom midway a flight. PIMP!

-C

Why watch Days of Our Lives when you have a living and breathing soap opera living amongst us? My baby girl Amy Winehouse may have screwed herself over to old love letters she wrote to Blakkiiieeee Incarcerated.  Since Amy has been publicly bashing herr soon to be ex hubby, Blake Fielder Civil, it seems as though his mothaaa has become quite angry.  

To get her soon-to-be ex daughter-in-law back, Mama Fielder Civil went to the UK’s News of the World and showed them an Amy-penned love letter that is now in the hands of Blaaaaake’s attorneys.  Unfortunately for her, the things written in that letter may cost her millions.  It’s apparently ‘widely accepted’ that Winehouse’s Grammy award winning album Back to Black was based on her agonies with the Blaaake relationship. 

Also in the letter, Amy offers to write an album of new songs strictly for Blake.  “So I’m thinking how about I WRITE you a few albums instead,” gushed Ames.  So naturally, Blake’s lawyers are going to argue that if it wasn’t for Blake, her CD wouldn’t have been as successful.  Blake served an instrumental part in the creative process turned success.

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So I don’t know why I bother talking about this whole Kelly Rutherford custody battle because I believe no one cares, but here I am desperate to write and keep up the story as goes.  Looks like Miss Rutherford has received some good news.  She was granted custody over her eye brow waxing husband for their two-year-old son, Herpes (too lazy to go back and change the P to M.)

She asked permission to take the kid to New York until the end of March because she’s filming Gossip Girl episodes until then.  The judge gave her a thumbs up stating that removing the child from his mother “cold turkey” would be harmful to Hermes. 

What’s so wrong with a bitty making some dough? Seems like her metro-sexual husband approves of a 1950s house wife — or husband.

-Cw

Just when we thought it was over with Madonna and Guy Ritchie, it’s not.  Divorce proceedings were said to be amicable between the two with splitting up the time between the kids.

Basically Lourdes (who is Madonna’s child with another man) is said to live with Madge in the U.S. and that 3-year-old David will be dividing time between the US and Britain.  When it comes to the couple’s only biological child, Rocco, that’s when things become difficult.  They cannot come to an agreement on which parent he should live with.

Madonna wants him in the US with her whereas Ritchie wants him living and attending school in England.  Both are said to have each hired the top notch family lawyers to help settle this custody case. Let’s just hope these kids aren’t fucked when they grow up.  Who am I kidding? Expect Rocco on Celebrity Rehab 21 with an even hotter silver-haired Dr. Drew.

-Cw