blondieenyc

The God’s have seriously answered my prayers.  The God, of course, in the form of VH1 who has been my best friend as of late.  Producing such classics like Tool Academy, Tough Love, I Love Money…they are seriously like the best thing since Sanjaya’s gorgeous locks on American Idol.

So what other beauty have they decided to throw my way??? The network has just announced that Fantasia Barrino, winner of American Idol season three, will star in her own reality show that will debut in 2010.  Can we get some Lost shit going on where I can amp up the future??? I can’t wait for this train wreck!

The show will follow ‘Tasia as she hides from collectors and fights with check cashing cashiers.  This is like the most ultimate wonderful thing I have ever heard in my life.  Not since I learned the Trapped in the Closet drinking game has something been able to come so close to taking its throne.  Try that game…every time you see a gun, someone’s in the closet, gun is mentioned, closet is mentioned, there’s a plot twist…you drink.  You basically become Lindsay Lohan on a bad night (every night) by the end of the first scene.  So I could only imagine this mastery.  Every time one of her press on nails pops off, drink…every time she takes her shoe off to hit someone over the head, drink…you get where I’m going with this.

This is an epic, tragic, and wonderful mess all rolled up into one big giant train wreck.  Sponsors: Lee Press On Nails & Lucinda’s Weaves

-C

YAHOO

It’s been a while since I’ve wrote about my favorite douchers in the world.  The Tool Academy returned to VH1 after a two week hiatus, which left me cringing in the fetal position, not knowing what to do with myself.

It was perhaps my favorite episode of all season—FAMILY DAY! THE GUYS CHASING PIGS! SHAWN FREAKING OUT! AIDA BEING CALLED A HOOKER! It was…EXPLOSIVE.

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Oh yes.  It’s the episode we all waited for.  When VH1 makes sock puppets that look better than the actual real live people on the show.  Even with cotton for brains, I’d say they still beat them in that department as well.  Trina decides to get the four remaining couples together and tells them that this week’s lesson is centered on: ROMANCE.  Probably a word that most of these guys cannot even sound out.

Trina explains that each will don a puppet and say how they’re feeling through the cotton friend.  I’m surprised they were actually able to both move the sock and speak at the same time.

Ashley and Josh are up first.  I’m sure with all of the cotton and material Ashley needs for her shirt that making a puppet from scratch would have worked in their favor.  Plus, these puppets would have worked thoroughly for Josh since he more than likely has a chapstick for a dick.  Anyway, Ashley propositions Josh for sex through her puppet and he accepts responsibility for not being passionate enough towards her.  I think perhaps the best part of this show is that we learn Josh is barely a one-minute man.  

Next up is MatsuSUX and Jenna.  Right from the get go from the girl who apparently wants to remain celibate, she says she likes to be dominate.  Reasoning behind her not being intimate with her mans is that she believes Matsu never takes initiative.  Knowing that now, he claims he will.  He also mentions that getting her from behind would be the “perfect keyhole.” Perfect keyhole for an asshole!

Things get tricky now as Trina asks the two remaining couples to swap socks and play each other.  So Shawn and Aida start it off.  Shawn mocks Aida (probably the only thing he can do to communicate with her) and her interest in foreplay and cuddling (”All I wanna do is be held for hours and hours and hours) while Aida basically nails Shawn perfectly claiming he’s always in a rush. 

My favorite couple are Tommy and Krista who magically have a perfect relationship with their puppets.  Yeah…if it’s so perfect than why the fuck are you on the show to begin with? Tommy takes an interview and says they are keeping mum on this because it is their privacy.  You know, because this show isn’t meant to turn these morons into semi decent men or anything.

Well because Tommy and Krista basically tell the meeting to fuck off, this pisses the other girls in the house off.  Finally a good cat fight! It just started to get good last week! After themeeting, Krista and Jenna basically go at it.  Krista looks like a blowfish. 

As the fight keeps escalating, Krista says she’s basically shutting up because she’s got kids…yeah, and they won’t be embarassed that you were on this show or anything right? She claims she has more to lose than anyone else.  Of course everyone else gets on her ass.  Ashley feels as though Krista is somehow setting her aside because she lives with her parents, but you know since Krista’s “keeping her mouth shut” she responds to Ashley by saying: “Bitch, I don’t care about you.” Nice!

While the girls continue to bicker, the guys get a lesson in sexual edu-mu-cation.  Via some lady who reminds me of my aunt for a strange reason, they learn all of the glorious wonders of life.  You know like keeping your nails trim, how to rub your girl, and where the big O zone is on a lady. 

Dinner for two! A real life plate of vagine! Well, the vagine is plastic, but you know what I mean.  There’s even some hairy fuzz on that shizz! Of course all of the guys are all like “YEAH! VAGINA!” but they’re mistaken because Sexpert Lady tells them it’s in fact a vulva and that the vagine is what’s inside.  What a delectable present! So now she puts them to the test and asks the guy to find the G-spot, but our good ol Tommy boy declines.  Shawn, since he’s such an endearing human being, questions why he won’t do it if the rest of them are.  Tommy claims he already knows the end all of how to please a woman.  If he can prove to me how to spell please, I’ll consider him knowing it all.

Whatever. Challenge time! This seems to be a toughy since the couples will have to hold a heart ornament between their lips while standing on separate platforms.  Whoever wins gets first choice from a bunch of dates to their lady on.  Basically, whoever holds this crap for the longest goes first, whoever lasted before that goes second, and so on.

Outcome win belongs to Tommy and Krista.  Shawn and Aida go down first, followed by Jenna and MatsuFuck, and then Ashley and Josh.  Tommy and Krista basically win because somehow Krista takes her probably ace of a blowjob mouth and sucks that shit almost whole.

Tommy picks first and chooses the stupidest date of them all…a night on the lake.  A night on the lake with their favorite friends mosquito and slugs.  Josh chooses the spa date.  Matsu gets the dinner and a movie. Shawn gets stuck with the camping trip.  The guys are then given money to go shopping in an attempt to personalize their dates.  Basically if VH1 didn’t supply the cash, these mofo’s would have been long gone and cutting shit out of paper towels.  Trina watches all of their dates.

So Josh and Ashley are a success because Ashley’s never gotten a massage and automatically thinks this is the best date idea.  When looking at the food, she goes bonkers over Caesar Salad.  Really? She claims to love Caesar Salad and my momey would have been on some fried chicken.  She also loves how Josh got her shrimp even though she hates it…the girl went nuts over the stupidest things.  I guess from all of those years of being set aside. 

Jenna loves Matsu’s date because she loves movies.  God, if Caesar Salad and movies could make me that happy everyday, I would have settled for shit. 

Even though Shawn got stuck with the shitty camping trip, Trina notes down that he’s making up for it by toasting to a future together.  A future full of gel in every section of hair and muscle t-shirts.

As for Tommy and Krista…the bitch nags the entire time not understanding if he had the first choice of date, why he chose this.  She’s cold and doesn’t like going through the wilderness in heels…yeah, the wilderness of the Tool Academy backyard must be tough.  Oh and the table is also small and the food is gross.  Because Tommy didn’t consider Krista’s view on what’s romantic, she knocks some points off.

In the meantime, Josh gives Ashley a heart and key made of gold.  Shawn gives Aida something similar.  And Jenna gives Matsu a boner by simply rubbing her ass and vagine on his genitals.  Celibate my ass.  Krista’s basically unhappier than when she arrived.

And what I’m sure the tools didn’t want to happen although they act excited, the girls arrive back to the villa and receive a notice explaining that they are to move in with the boys.

Why Aida is excited to share a 2×2 bed with her boyfriend full of gas is beyond me, but nonetheless, she’s excited as so are the rest of the girls.  So everyone goes to the kitchen to celebrate by having some drinks while Tommy and Krista refrain from joining the festivities.

Shawn and Matsu make fun of them and Krista walks in to view it.  Matsu somehow starts getting really angry when Tommy doesn’t stand up for himself.  He basically says Krista wears the pants.  He even smacks a counter! He’s so strong!

Tommy just laughs.  As the girls talk to their boys to calm ‘em down, the fight keeps on going.  Basically he turns to the camera and says if Matsu disrespects his girl that he’s going to beat the shit out of him.

Sucks for him because he goes home.  Krista leaves him! The girls hug her…they just fought, right? The guys come out to laugh at him.  Really, they’re making such improvements!

Basically the show opens up with Shawn proving to be an everlasting tool.  He interviews about maturity and then shares with us a wonderful bodily function by leaning over in his seat, lifting up his leg, and letting his ass rip.  Such beautiful sounds and signs of improvement.

Anyway, in typical fashion, the last five couples attend therapy.  Trina the therapist explains that this week will center around the idea of trust.  You know, usually, when one involves one self into a relationship, yeah trust is usually the key.  Makes sense why these bitches are missing it and involving themselves in this show to showcase their stupidity.

In order to fully be honest, Trina tells them that they will all take a lie detector test in which the girls will get to choose the questions and the tools are to reply with a simple yes or no.  Rob starts going insane when this is announced because he hasn’t fully been honest with Karine.  Meaning he stuck his peen in another no-no hole and never confessed to his stupid babe.  He basically explains that once Karine finds this information out, she’s going to leave his ass.  Trina comes in to calm down Rob and offers to mediate a sit down between the two.  When she speaks with Karine, the girl starts sobbing.  This before anything is even confessed.  Amazing.  And why does Rob think she’s going to leave him? These bitches wouldn’t leave any of these guys even if it meant they secretly wore women’s underpanties.

Back to the lie-detecting crap.  It’s basically what you expected.  A bunch of douches wired.  It’d be even more amazing if that wire was used to wire their mouths shut, but, alas, we cannot all get what we want in life.  As all of the guys are doing this, Rob continues to spiral out of control.  Trina talks to him and we see him what I guess is supposed to be collapsing on the bed.

And just like Britney Spears, our buddy Rob is strapped on a gurney and rolled out due to Trina believing he needed medical treatment.  Oh this is just a sucker plan so Karine feels awful that he’s in the hospital.  Then we see Karine dropping her head some more and crying.  I find it pointless to show a picture of that.

And now the results! Shawn said he didn’t love Jaime and was telling the truth.  And what really surprised me was when he said $100K was not worth more than Aida.  Really? Was there a glitch?

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Apparently New York aka Tiffany Pollard, believed herself to be quite an actress that she was given her own show over the summer, New York Goes To Hollywood, on VH1 where she searches for work as a real actress.

Well someone thinks this bitch has it because she’ll be putting her acting ’skills’ or lack thereof to the test this month.  The loud mouth, fake tittied muppet will be appearing in an all-black traveling production of The Vagina Monologues.

The tour will b e stopping in Los Angeles, Houston, Dallas, and Atlanta.  I’m sure all of you are JUST RUNNING to ticketmaster to get tickets for that shit.  New York says:

“It’s kind of a serious actress type thingy and that’s what I’m striving to be.”

She adds,

“I really want to kind of lend my voice and let people see that I’m there and I’m focused and I want to be a part of it.”

Thingy? God, she speaks so well.  Funny thing about this whole thing is that “Deelishis” Charles, that other tranny who Flavor Flav chose over New York during Flavor of Love 2, is touring as well.  Is this a bad STD waiting to happen?

-C

Tracy Turnblad kicked Sharon Osbourne to the curb.  Miss Ricki Lake will serve as Charm School’s headmistress come this summer!

This is like the hottest thing since the talk show premiere of Ricki’s show from the 90s.  Why they cancelled that gem is beyond me, but I will mark the show’s finale episode as the saddest day in TV history.

A VH1 head bitch said:

“We are thrilled to have Ricki spearheading this new take on Charm School. Our audience knows her, loves her and respects her. And Ricki certainly knows a thing or two about taking big, loud characters and bringing them to a place of new emotional understanding.”

I swear on everything Britney, if she doesn’t show up in full Pepper Walker attire like THIS (far right), the first episode, I will be totally bummed.

-C

Yes, this was clearly the most entertaining part of the episode.  Who knew Matsuflex had the powers of the Hulk? Edward Norton better watch his back because someone is clearly on his heels trying to take his role.

So the douchetools are first seen discussing how they can’t believe there are only six of them life yada yada while the girls–or actually, girl–Margo to be specific–is basically telling everyone how she’s over this whole show and how much she misses her family.  Yeah, don’t know why this broad was wasting my time either.

The therapy session is called to order and the theme of the day is Maturity.  I’m pretty sure last time I checked there was a recent law passed stating that “maturity” and any of the names of these guys presented in the show, are not allowed to exist in the same sentence.  Anyway, as we all remember in the beginning the guys thought they were on a show called Mr. Awesome.  They were asked to reveal their five year plans…it’s some riveting stuff featuring manties, boas, piercings, and even a nun chuck so be prepared to view the following:

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I swear.  I could dress up as a Panda and sing Cumbaya down the streets of Manhattan and VH1 would call me up and give me my own reality show.

Lucky for Kendra Wilkinson, her 15 minutes aren’t up yet.  She just got another 15.  After The Girls Next Door officially ends, looks as though the sporty fug will have her own reality show.  She revealed in a new interview that she is currently filming. 

No idea when it’s airing, which must totally bum all of you guys out.  It probably just hasn’t been picked up by anyone yet.  There’s only so much fake tits and sports mania one can take. 

-C

Apparently someone wants to boost his celebrity status.  When you’re on a team with Tony Romo, being number one priority is probably a very hard thing.  Everyone grab a kleenex and cry a tear or two for millionaire Dallas Cowboys star, Terrell Owens who will star in his new reality show this July on VH1.

During the offseason, the show will be shadowed by his best friends and publicists, Monique Jackson and Kita Williams.  Since he’s such a loud mouthed fuck during the season, I’m expecting some dirt on Romo and his beard, Jessica Simpson.  If there’s shit talking on Simpson, consider me tuned in.

Actually consider me tuned in regardless.  I like making fun of hot messes and VH1 is my boyfriend by default.  I’ll watch anything that shit channel produces.  And by shit, I mean completely and utterly amazing.  Where else can you find STD infested sluts with fake tits up to their chins fighting over a rock star has been with hair plugs?

-C

Ah the most amazing show on television continues with this week centering in on Shawn.  You’ll see why later.  Basically the show starts off by showing how all of these tool bags are still tool bags…flexing, running around in manties (man panties), and all of that good stuff.

So we begin with a conversation between Shawn and Josh.  All of the guys are basically talking about their girlfriends and rating them.  Shawn says he rates Jaimee a 9 in bed and asks Josh how Ashley rates to which he replies a 6.  This then leads into Shawn poking fun at Ashley’s weight

This bitch is lucky that actual pussy regardless of shape and size let’s him stick it in.  I think even a blow-up doll would come to life and reject this kid’s ass.  This conversation then leads to the question of Jenna’s chastity.  Which she has none.  She’s had three sex partners, all black and this somehow becomes relevant and shocking to everyone. 

Everyone’s called to the therapy room where the couples will witness a hidden camera taping them either rejecting or accepting a make-up artist’s advances.  Subject: FIDELITY.  I doubt anyone on this show can even spell that shit.  Here’s how each of the guys did:

 Matsuflex: GUILTY. Mega: Passes.

Tommy: Passes.

Celebrity: DOH! … Cameron starts crying like a blubbering idiot claiming it’s too hard to watch because kissing is “so sacred” to her.  Nevermind a peen in a vagine, which is what Celebrity really had plans for.  This is the best part because Celebrity starts referring to himself in the third person, basically tells her she knows the deal, but then promises to change.  He also now refers to himself as his real name: CLARENCE.  Straight up hood.  Confused? Me too.

Josh: PASSES, but his girlfriend will have his ass for dessert with that comment.

Joey: FAILS.  He tells the make-up artist that he’s serious with his girlfriend “in a way.” They do exchange info, but when Ashley sees this, he swears up and down that he wasn’t planning on further communication.  Yeah, okay. Ashley obviously doesn’t believe it. But she sucks…you’ll see why.

 Robert: FAILS. Aside from the crotch and peen bumping, bitch also got his number

And then my favorite of the episode.  Shawn.

FAILS BIG TIME.  Each of the guys were hit on by the make-up artist first, but Shawn just jumps right in and asks her out before she even makes the attempt.  He starts apologizing, acting shocked, calling himself the biggest tool, and as he’s attempting to right the major wrong to Jaimee, a blonde petite woman comes a walkin’ in.

 Meet Shawn’s girlfriend, Aida, of six years.  She comes in and tells Jaimee that she’s in her seat.  Jaimee claims she only knows Aida as Shawn’s “psycho ex-girlfriend.” 

Shawn goes into an explanation that things got bad with Aida a few months ago and that’s when he started dating Jaimee. Bitch has only been dating this tool for a few months? REFUND! Which she does.  Shawn basically chooses Aida.  She gets up, gives up her seat to Aida, and tells Shawn he’s “Dead to her.” Ouchie.  Sure he doesn’t give a fuck because now he’s got more time to gel his hair to perfection each morning.

So now Aida’s in and Jaimee’s out…good for her.  Who’d want to be involved with this bag of douche? Shawn and Aida sit down with counselor Trina to discuss the events.  Don’t know why this fucktard was so shocked to see this bitch.  How was he going to explain this one over to her when this shit aired? Actually, I bet you Aida’s in on this.  She’s a thong away from stripping for a living so it makes sense to get some camera time.  The counselor seems happy when Shawn’s no longer lying because you can’t progress in therapy if you keep secrets.  Ummm if this bitch didn’t show up this gel freak wasn’t going to fess up so what the fuck.  He tells Aida he’s lucky to have her back in his life and she gives him one last chance.  haha.  Yeah, I know.  It’s probably been a million by now. 

The guys are all back in their little shitty living discussing how they look like Angels compared to Shawn when Shawn walks in and tells his fellow toolbags that “Let’s concentrate on the positive thing: I did have two hot girlfriends at one point.”

In the girls’ house, Aida arrives much to the rest of the girls dismay.  Margo the big mouth one keeps talking shit to her claiming she has no right to be there anymore and thinks Aida think she’s better than the rest of the girls here.  Yeah, yawn. 

The next day comes a new challenge: a Tango competition. They each have to perform the tango with their own moves thrown in.  Exactly.  Trainwrecks on TV! The duos:

Each team has thought up a name for their tango version.  INTELLIGENCE.  All of these people are just completely in tune with reality.  By the way, these names have to do with their relationships, not their dances.  I’m surprised one of the douche’s didn’t come up with “Suck on Deez Nutz Tango” because we all know the girls would put up with it after complaining for a minute.  Celebrity comes back to life after he performs a “one-man show” and basically leaves his girlfriend looking like a prop. The Top 3 are:

And the winners again are Matsuflex and Jenna. They get their own room for the night where they don’t even fuck.  Yes, normally I would think this dumb, but Jenna denying Matsu sex is probably the smartest thing I’ve seen in a while.  Plus them winning gets all of the other guys pissed off because nothing’s going on while they claim their manhood could go for hours and Robert claims he’d put ”ears by ankles.” Yeah, I threw up, too.

Ending result:

We’re all graced to see Matsu in the morning saying nothing happened in his manties.  I know this is total creamer in your pants when we’re provided with beauty and elegance such as this.

The bottom three are pretty much expected: Celebrity, Shawn, and Joey. 

With…

Joey getting the boot and hocking up some tears to get Ashley to leave with him.  Outside he weeps to her and tells her this experience has made him realize what a dick he’s been, that he loves her, and wants to be with her forever.  Ashley was SO fucking bad ass on this show claiming this was the last chance, but guess what? Who leaves with Joey? You don’t say! I can’t blame her.  I guess when you’re an ugly pathetic mess who lets douches run the show, you gotta keep what you can get.

Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw