Mar 04 2009
It’s been a while since I’ve wrote about my favorite douchers in the world. The Tool Academy returned to VH1 after a two week hiatus, which left me cringing in the fetal position, not knowing what to do with myself.
It was perhaps my favorite episode of all season—FAMILY DAY! THE GUYS CHASING PIGS! SHAWN FREAKING OUT! AIDA BEING CALLED A HOOKER! It was…EXPLOSIVE.
Feb 18 2009
Oh yes. It’s the episode we all waited for. When VH1 makes sock puppets that look better than the actual real live people on the show. Even with cotton for brains, I’d say they still beat them in that department as well. Trina decides to get the four remaining couples together and tells them that this week’s lesson is centered on: ROMANCE. Probably a word that most of these guys cannot even sound out.
Trina explains that each will don a puppet and say how they’re feeling through the cotton friend. I’m surprised they were actually able to both move the sock and speak at the same time.
Ashley and Josh are up first. I’m sure with all of the cotton and material Ashley needs for her shirt that making a puppet from scratch would have worked in their favor. Plus, these puppets would have worked thoroughly for Josh since he more than likely has a chapstick for a dick. Anyway, Ashley propositions Josh for sex through her puppet and he accepts responsibility for not being passionate enough towards her. I think perhaps the best part of this show is that we learn Josh is barely a one-minute man.
Next up is MatsuSUX and Jenna. Right from the get go from the girl who apparently wants to remain celibate, she says she likes to be dominate. Reasoning behind her not being intimate with her mans is that she believes Matsu never takes initiative. Knowing that now, he claims he will. He also mentions that getting her from behind would be the “perfect keyhole.” Perfect keyhole for an asshole!
Things get tricky now as Trina asks the two remaining couples to swap socks and play each other. So Shawn and Aida start it off. Shawn mocks Aida (probably the only thing he can do to communicate with her) and her interest in foreplay and cuddling (”All I wanna do is be held for hours and hours and hours) while Aida basically nails Shawn perfectly claiming he’s always in a rush.
My favorite couple are Tommy and Krista who magically have a perfect relationship with their puppets. Yeah…if it’s so perfect than why the fuck are you on the show to begin with? Tommy takes an interview and says they are keeping mum on this because it is their privacy. You know, because this show isn’t meant to turn these morons into semi decent men or anything.
Well because Tommy and Krista basically tell the meeting to fuck off, this pisses the other girls in the house off. Finally a good cat fight! It just started to get good last week! After themeeting, Krista and Jenna basically go at it. Krista looks like a blowfish.
As the fight keeps escalating, Krista says she’s basically shutting up because she’s got kids…yeah, and they won’t be embarassed that you were on this show or anything right? She claims she has more to lose than anyone else. Of course everyone else gets on her ass. Ashley feels as though Krista is somehow setting her aside because she lives with her parents, but you know since Krista’s “keeping her mouth shut” she responds to Ashley by saying: “Bitch, I don’t care about you.” Nice!
While the girls continue to bicker, the guys get a lesson in sexual edu-mu-cation. Via some lady who reminds me of my aunt for a strange reason, they learn all of the glorious wonders of life. You know like keeping your nails trim, how to rub your girl, and where the big O zone is on a lady.
Dinner for two! A real life plate of vagine! Well, the vagine is plastic, but you know what I mean. There’s even some hairy fuzz on that shizz! Of course all of the guys are all like “YEAH! VAGINA!” but they’re mistaken because Sexpert Lady tells them it’s in fact a vulva and that the vagine is what’s inside. What a delectable present! So now she puts them to the test and asks the guy to find the G-spot, but our good ol Tommy boy declines. Shawn, since he’s such an endearing human being, questions why he won’t do it if the rest of them are. Tommy claims he already knows the end all of how to please a woman. If he can prove to me how to spell please, I’ll consider him knowing it all.
Whatever. Challenge time! This seems to be a toughy since the couples will have to hold a heart ornament between their lips while standing on separate platforms. Whoever wins gets first choice from a bunch of dates to their lady on. Basically, whoever holds this crap for the longest goes first, whoever lasted before that goes second, and so on.
Outcome win belongs to Tommy and Krista. Shawn and Aida go down first, followed by Jenna and MatsuFuck, and then Ashley and Josh. Tommy and Krista basically win because somehow Krista takes her probably ace of a blowjob mouth and sucks that shit almost whole.
Tommy picks first and chooses the stupidest date of them all…a night on the lake. A night on the lake with their favorite friends mosquito and slugs. Josh chooses the spa date. Matsu gets the dinner and a movie. Shawn gets stuck with the camping trip. The guys are then given money to go shopping in an attempt to personalize their dates. Basically if VH1 didn’t supply the cash, these mofo’s would have been long gone and cutting shit out of paper towels. Trina watches all of their dates.
So Josh and Ashley are a success because Ashley’s never gotten a massage and automatically thinks this is the best date idea. When looking at the food, she goes bonkers over Caesar Salad. Really? She claims to love Caesar Salad and my momey would have been on some fried chicken. She also loves how Josh got her shrimp even though she hates it…the girl went nuts over the stupidest things. I guess from all of those years of being set aside.
Jenna loves Matsu’s date because she loves movies. God, if Caesar Salad and movies could make me that happy everyday, I would have settled for shit.
Even though Shawn got stuck with the shitty camping trip, Trina notes down that he’s making up for it by toasting to a future together. A future full of gel in every section of hair and muscle t-shirts.
As for Tommy and Krista…the bitch nags the entire time not understanding if he had the first choice of date, why he chose this. She’s cold and doesn’t like going through the wilderness in heels…yeah, the wilderness of the Tool Academy backyard must be tough. Oh and the table is also small and the food is gross. Because Tommy didn’t consider Krista’s view on what’s romantic, she knocks some points off.
In the meantime, Josh gives Ashley a heart and key made of gold. Shawn gives Aida something similar. And Jenna gives Matsu a boner by simply rubbing her ass and vagine on his genitals. Celibate my ass. Krista’s basically unhappier than when she arrived.
And what I’m sure the tools didn’t want to happen although they act excited, the girls arrive back to the villa and receive a notice explaining that they are to move in with the boys.
Why Aida is excited to share a 2×2 bed with her boyfriend full of gas is beyond me, but nonetheless, she’s excited as so are the rest of the girls. So everyone goes to the kitchen to celebrate by having some drinks while Tommy and Krista refrain from joining the festivities.
Shawn and Matsu make fun of them and Krista walks in to view it. Matsu somehow starts getting really angry when Tommy doesn’t stand up for himself. He basically says Krista wears the pants. He even smacks a counter! He’s so strong!
Tommy just laughs. As the girls talk to their boys to calm ‘em down, the fight keeps on going. Basically he turns to the camera and says if Matsu disrespects his girl that he’s going to beat the shit out of him.
Sucks for him because he goes home. Krista leaves him! The girls hug her…they just fought, right? The guys come out to laugh at him. Really, they’re making such improvements!
Feb 09 2009
Basically the show opens up with Shawn proving to be an everlasting tool. He interviews about maturity and then shares with us a wonderful bodily function by leaning over in his seat, lifting up his leg, and letting his ass rip. Such beautiful sounds and signs of improvement.
Anyway, in typical fashion, the last five couples attend therapy. Trina the therapist explains that this week will center around the idea of trust. You know, usually, when one involves one self into a relationship, yeah trust is usually the key. Makes sense why these bitches are missing it and involving themselves in this show to showcase their stupidity.
In order to fully be honest, Trina tells them that they will all take a lie detector test in which the girls will get to choose the questions and the tools are to reply with a simple yes or no. Rob starts going insane when this is announced because he hasn’t fully been honest with Karine. Meaning he stuck his peen in another no-no hole and never confessed to his stupid babe. He basically explains that once Karine finds this information out, she’s going to leave his ass. Trina comes in to calm down Rob and offers to mediate a sit down between the two. When she speaks with Karine, the girl starts sobbing. This before anything is even confessed. Amazing. And why does Rob think she’s going to leave him? These bitches wouldn’t leave any of these guys even if it meant they secretly wore women’s underpanties.
Back to the lie-detecting crap. It’s basically what you expected. A bunch of douches wired. It’d be even more amazing if that wire was used to wire their mouths shut, but, alas, we cannot all get what we want in life. As all of the guys are doing this, Rob continues to spiral out of control. Trina talks to him and we see him what I guess is supposed to be collapsing on the bed.
And just like Britney Spears, our buddy Rob is strapped on a gurney and rolled out due to Trina believing he needed medical treatment. Oh this is just a sucker plan so Karine feels awful that he’s in the hospital. Then we see Karine dropping her head some more and crying. I find it pointless to show a picture of that.
And now the results! Shawn said he didn’t love Jaime and was telling the truth. And what really surprised me was when he said $100K was not worth more than Aida. Really? Was there a glitch?
Feb 02 2009
Yes, this was clearly the most entertaining part of the episode. Who knew Matsuflex had the powers of the Hulk? Edward Norton better watch his back because someone is clearly on his heels trying to take his role.
So the douchetools are first seen discussing how they can’t believe there are only six of them life yada yada while the girls–or actually, girl–Margo to be specific–is basically telling everyone how she’s over this whole show and how much she misses her family. Yeah, don’t know why this broad was wasting my time either.
The therapy session is called to order and the theme of the day is Maturity. I’m pretty sure last time I checked there was a recent law passed stating that “maturity” and any of the names of these guys presented in the show, are not allowed to exist in the same sentence. Anyway, as we all remember in the beginning the guys thought they were on a show called Mr. Awesome. They were asked to reveal their five year plans…it’s some riveting stuff featuring manties, boas, piercings, and even a nun chuck so be prepared to view the following:
Jan 27 2009
Who would’ve know that these total ‘awesome guys’ would resort to getting paid for ass kicks? We begin with the douchers being woken up and angry…that’s how it usually rolls in the beginning of each episode.
Josh is visually upset about all of the shit he said about his woah-man Ashley the prior week — she’s a sixer in bed, she could weigh 2-300 lbs, and he’d like to bang a blow-up doll. The guys coax him into spilling this in therapy to which he’s ultimately inspired to do so. You could basically tell this 80 lbs wet douche to stick a dildo in his ass and he would. Meanwhile, back at the girls villa, they’re all mocking Aida’s crooked nipples.
Ironically, the girls are showcasing their inner tool, but get away with it because boobs are much funnier to laugh at than taking your four inch dick seriously.
So then the couples are rounded up for therapy. Trina (the therapist) explains that the lesson this week is on humility. And since a bunch of Harvard grads are on this show
We have Tommy the Slacker Tool on camera saying, “What’s the definition of humility? It’s humor, right? Is it humor? Humor?” At least this mo took a guess, the rest of the guys had no idea what that shit meant.
For the humility excercise, Trina tells the guys they will have to evaluate the negative part of their relationships mixed in with a little confession all while wearing a bulletproof vest. Unfortunately for us and ratings, none are actually shot and killed.
Jan 20 2009
Ah the most amazing show on television continues with this week centering in on Shawn. You’ll see why later. Basically the show starts off by showing how all of these tool bags are still tool bags…flexing, running around in manties (man panties), and all of that good stuff.
So we begin with a conversation between Shawn and Josh. All of the guys are basically talking about their girlfriends and rating them. Shawn says he rates Jaimee a 9 in bed and asks Josh how Ashley rates to which he replies a 6. This then leads into Shawn poking fun at Ashley’s weight
This bitch is lucky that actual pussy regardless of shape and size let’s him stick it in. I think even a blow-up doll would come to life and reject this kid’s ass. This conversation then leads to the question of Jenna’s chastity. Which she has none. She’s had three sex partners, all black and this somehow becomes relevant and shocking to everyone.
Everyone’s called to the therapy room where the couples will witness a hidden camera taping them either rejecting or accepting a make-up artist’s advances. Subject: FIDELITY. I doubt anyone on this show can even spell that shit. Here’s how each of the guys did:
Matsuflex: GUILTY. 
Mega: Passes.
Tommy: Passes.
Celebrity: DOH! … Cameron starts crying like a blubbering idiot claiming it’s too hard to watch because kissing is “so sacred” to her. Nevermind a peen in a vagine, which is what Celebrity really had plans for. This is the best part because Celebrity starts referring to himself in the third person, basically tells her she knows the deal, but then promises to change. He also now refers to himself as his real name: CLARENCE. Straight up hood. Confused? Me too.
Josh: PASSES, but his girlfriend will have his ass for dessert with that comment.
Joey: FAILS. He tells the make-up artist that he’s serious with his girlfriend “in a way.” They do exchange info, but when Ashley sees this, he swears up and down that he wasn’t planning on further communication. Yeah, okay. Ashley obviously doesn’t believe it. But she sucks…you’ll see why.
Robert: FAILS. Aside from the crotch and peen bumping, bitch also got his number
And then my favorite of the episode. Shawn.
FAILS BIG TIME. Each of the guys were hit on by the make-up artist first, but Shawn just jumps right in and asks her out before she even makes the attempt. He starts apologizing, acting shocked, calling himself the biggest tool, and as he’s attempting to right the major wrong to Jaimee, a blonde petite woman comes a walkin’ in.
Meet Shawn’s girlfriend, Aida, of six years. She comes in and tells Jaimee that she’s in her seat. Jaimee claims she only knows Aida as Shawn’s “psycho ex-girlfriend.”
Shawn goes into an explanation that things got bad with Aida a few months ago and that’s when he started dating Jaimee. Bitch has only been dating this tool for a few months? REFUND! Which she does. Shawn basically chooses Aida. She gets up, gives up her seat to Aida, and tells Shawn he’s “Dead to her.” Ouchie. Sure he doesn’t give a fuck because now he’s got more time to gel his hair to perfection each morning.
So now Aida’s in and Jaimee’s out…good for her. Who’d want to be involved with this bag of douche? Shawn and Aida sit down with counselor Trina to discuss the events. Don’t know why this fucktard was so shocked to see this bitch. How was he going to explain this one over to her when this shit aired? Actually, I bet you Aida’s in on this. She’s a thong away from stripping for a living so it makes sense to get some camera time. The counselor seems happy when Shawn’s no longer lying because you can’t progress in therapy if you keep secrets. Ummm if this bitch didn’t show up this gel freak wasn’t going to fess up so what the fuck. He tells Aida he’s lucky to have her back in his life and she gives him one last chance. haha. Yeah, I know. It’s probably been a million by now.
The guys are all back in their little shitty living discussing how they look like Angels compared to Shawn when Shawn walks in and tells his fellow toolbags that “Let’s concentrate on the positive thing: I did have two hot girlfriends at one point.”
In the girls’ house, Aida arrives much to the rest of the girls dismay. Margo the big mouth one keeps talking shit to her claiming she has no right to be there anymore and thinks Aida think she’s better than the rest of the girls here. Yeah, yawn.
The next day comes a new challenge: a Tango competition. They each have to perform the tango with their own moves thrown in. Exactly. Trainwrecks on TV! The duos:
Each team has thought up a name for their tango version. INTELLIGENCE. All of these people are just completely in tune with reality. By the way, these names have to do with their relationships, not their dances. I’m surprised one of the douche’s didn’t come up with “Suck on Deez Nutz Tango” because we all know the girls would put up with it after complaining for a minute. Celebrity comes back to life after he performs a “one-man show” and basically leaves his girlfriend looking like a prop. The Top 3 are:
And the winners again are Matsuflex and Jenna. They get their own room for the night where they don’t even fuck. Yes, normally I would think this dumb, but Jenna denying Matsu sex is probably the smartest thing I’ve seen in a while. Plus them winning gets all of the other guys pissed off because nothing’s going on while they claim their manhood could go for hours and Robert claims he’d put ”ears by ankles.” Yeah, I threw up, too.
Ending result:
We’re all graced to see Matsu in the morning saying nothing happened in his manties. I know this is total creamer in your pants when we’re provided with beauty and elegance such as this.
The bottom three are pretty much expected: Celebrity, Shawn, and Joey.
With…
Joey getting the boot and hocking up some tears to get Ashley to leave with him. Outside he weeps to her and tells her this experience has made him realize what a dick he’s been, that he loves her, and wants to be with her forever. Ashley was SO fucking bad ass on this show claiming this was the last chance, but guess what? Who leaves with Joey? You don’t say! I can’t blame her. I guess when you’re an ugly pathetic mess who lets douches run the show, you gotta keep what you can get.
Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw
Jan 13 2009
So I fell in love this weekend. VH1 has finally made a reality show worth watching. I believe this to be the most honest reality show because I’ve witnessed douchebagouches like this for some time now. Basically what you have is the Tool Academy. Vh1 collaborated with nine girlfriends who believe their boyfriends need a reality check. They got nine guys to come on and believe they were competing for Mr. Awesome
when in fact, they find out it’s a show all about how they’re really tools. Let’s meet our beloveds, shall we?
Basically, the last guy standing and who “changes” the most wins $100K. It’s funny. When you see their faces realize they’re not on an awesome show, most are pissed off, but when the words “$100K” are mouthed, they all of a sudden are willing to “change.” You know how they’re going to change? The most these guys will do is take the fucking sock out of their man panties. If they’re kicked off, the girlfriend gets to choose if she wants to continue their relationship or not. Please some of these bitches have been in this for the long haul. If any of them leave the guys, it’s just purely to be noticed as a bad ass TV. I guarantee these ho’s will be back in the roided arms within days.
The girls on the show are desperate and dickmatized. They allow their boyfriends to treat them like shit, cheat on them, live off them, and we’re expected to feel bad. The girls are in a different room watching their guys live act like a bunch of fucktards with a party full of girls:
After the guys leave the party full of other girls that aren’t their girlfriends…they are brought into the room expecting these hotties, but instead are faced with their bitches:
After all of this shit talking explaining the new game, the couples are brought in for “couples therapy” by some British bitch who I believe was just brought on because the English accent always makes the person seem smarter. Before the dudes knew they were on this show, they were videotaped talking about what they do behind their bitties backs. It’s the typical. Cheating, clubbing, etc, etc. Below are some lovely and pricless reactions.
(the cold-hearted tool is on camera explaining how he’s tried his girlfriend like a dog…she cooks, she cleans, she’s basically a moron)
(my favorite part of the show! Tiny tool is recorded explaining that his priorities are bowling, clubbing, and then his girlfriend.)
After couples therapy the tools played drunken football which led to the Power Tool getting a nice cut on his roid face.
The next day the couples competed in a competition to see who will win a private date for two. This date will allow the couple to rethink they’re relationship and hopefully build for a better tomorrow. This is starting to sound like an infomercial. The Slacker Tool gets angry when his girl can’t build this crap. He gets so tough and pissed that he throws his chair! Yowza look at how bad ass this dude is !
The Naked Tool and his girlfriend, Jenna won. This was the guy who bragged about cheating on his girl’s ass without her knowledge and actually enjoyed it. During the dinner, of course, they expressed their love for one another. Sure, I’d express my love, too, to a boyfriend who’s probably carrying the black plague now.
So after The Slacker showed off his like totally awesome arm strength, we all know this bitch is going to be in the bottom three. Along with Tommy the Slacker in the bottom three was Rob the Slacker Tool and Dimitri the Greek Tool. Ugh, I dated a Greek. They’re seriously like this. They all believe themselves to be the greatest and untouchable when really their peens suck and they try to make up for that by owning you. Damn those bitches.
The bottom three was a hard one. Really I wasn’t surprised that all nine of these morons were in the bottom three. I thought that Slacker may have been the one to go home because of his anger issues, but then I thought alright he’s the cutest, so obviously he’s got to stay. Then I thought Power Tool may have went because he talked to his girl like shit, but this is the norm for these douchers. However, it was the Greek who went down! HA HA! The best is when he was leaving he made sure to say he wasn’t “a tool!” So as the girls wait to see who’s leaving, Jill gets the surprise.
Outside Jill asks Dimitri if she’s wasting her time for him. He responds, “I wouldn’t worry about it.” Well, yeah of course he wouldn’t worry about it. He’s got more important things to worry about like his ego and which type of CVS bronzer he should use tonight. That phrase seals the deal because bitch chooses to go with him.
All of the girls think she’s dumb for choosing to go with him and as the show is ending with the limo pulling away you hear Jill go “Say it!” and Dimitri respond, “I love you. There you go.” Aww how romantic! That girl Jill needs to go on VH1’s next reality shit, “Desperate Times Call For Desperate Women.”
Class and Trash with an Edge of sASS*-Cw
