blondieenyc

First it was Johnny Depp (who can actually act) who will lend his voice to Spongebob, and now apparently Victoria Beckham somehow managed to do the same.

It makes no sense.  This broad is barely able to breathe let alone talk.  She’ll be appearing on a future episode of the show as the voice behind Queen Amphiritie, the goddess of the sea, in an episode titled Neptune’s Party.

I know you all just CANNOT wait for this shit…it won’t be out until summer 2010.

God, what a BUMMER.

-C

ETONLINE

Okay so Heather Locklear might not be coming back, but the original bitch Sydney Andrew is! Laura Leighton will in fact be reprising her role on the upcoming remake of Melrose Place.  Which makes sense since her character was presumed dead after Sydney was run over by a car.  Whatever!

She will play the landlord to the new residents of MP! I can’t fucking wait until she goes cougar on the young males in the apartment complex.  You know that shit’s going to get juicy.  She’s going to totally sleep with the virgin’s boyfriend and then black mail his ass for millions of his father’s money.

And not only that….

fucking Sydney’s main bitch Dr. Michael Mancini is back as well! The CW has already redeemed themselves with somehow reviving Sydney, that they figured the rest of the characters would come crawling out from the fucking boon docks to latch on to this shit.  So welcome back Thomas Calabro who will reprise his role as the whack ass doctor who sleeps around and gets around.

He’s the father of one of the new main bitches, David Patterson.  These bitches may as well do the original Melrose Place: The Retirement Home Years.  Unfortunately, Lisa Rinna is still waiting for the call and no one has picked up.

-C

HOLLYWOODREPORTER  PEOPLE

My life came to a halt last month when it was said Heather Locklear was no longer in negotiations to join the new version of Melrose Place.  They may as well call it Shits Place because without her or Sydney Andrews, this remake is a bunch of bull shit plus the fact that God awful Ashlee Simpson is going to be on it.

Well money talks–especially when you’re reprising Amanda Woodward.  Obviously the reason behind her not joining the cast was because of money…it wasn’t confirmed, but we’re not a bunch of idiots, are we? Reports are now surfacing saying that Heather was in fact asking for too much money.  An insider revealed:

“In these tough economic times, the network simply wouldn’t - or couldn’t - pay Heather the kind of money she thought she deserved. She wanted at least $100k per episode, which is what she could have commanded in pre-recession days, and the CW would only pay half that…or less.”

Really? Can someone please hand me fucking $50k my way? They could hire my ass for $20 an episode…I’m fucking AVAILABLE.  Also, Heather wasn’t too happy that producers wanted to concentrate more on the new cast and less on her.  Uh duh…it’s a remake for a reason.  Although I’d much rather watch shit like 90210 set its greatness around Brenda Walsh, but sometimes we don’t get what we ask for.

The source adds:

“Heather probably wouldn’t even have been a regular character on the new Melrose Place, but a recurring star. She was mainly going to be used to lure old fans to the new show. But Heather was looking for a meatier role and much more money.”

So basically The CW is fucked if they don’t bring her back on because I doubt some bitch in their now 40s is going to want to turn on that channel and watch fucking ASSlee Simpsucks prancing around in lingerie and giggling like a fucking goon.

-C

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I could have told you the following after having really seen some bad lyp synching on last night’s American Idol.  But of course a former Idol contestant has to air his shizz to the media because let’s face it, nothing is going on may-jah wise for this mo.  Remember Justin Guarini? He was the guy who lost to Kelly Clarkson in the first season and tried to make it big shortly after? Yeah, it never did work out for him.

Anyway, the reject isn’t too happy with this year’s group performances, He currently works as the co-host of Idol Wrap on the TV Guide Network and his big mouth has recently sent fans in an uproar…these would be the same fans equivalent to the fat tweens in front of Hot Topic obsessing over Twilight and Edward Cullen.

Justin told everyone:

“Every single year we can’t stand the group performances. I know they can’t stand it either. And I think what makes them even worse now is that they’re lip-synched. They’re really prerecorded now.”

But Idol must think we are all dummies and falling for it because a rep for the show producers FremantleMedia North America, Manfred Westphal, said:

“The Idols don’t lip-sync, period.”

Woaaah with a name like MANFRED WESTPHAL who wants to even second guess this guy? His name alone gives your ass a beating.  But of course…rather quickly might I add…Westphal did in fact confess the following to The New York Times:

“Due to extensive choreography and to balance their voices with open mikes against a screaming audience, the Idols do sing along to their own prerecorded vocal track during the group performances only.”

A DER. Seriously anyone watching this show and telling themselves that these bitches are singing 100% live all of the time needs a big time check-up because you’re either blind, deaf, dumb, or a combination of all three which really wouldn’t surprise me with half of the people I’ve met in my life so far.  And please Justin Guarini trying to cause some controversy…bitch is just mad that the hair popularity decreased and people started realizing that shit he donned on his head was more than likely inspired from what resides in his pants.

-C

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Once upon a time, Lindsay Lohan, was actually decent looking, although a little too orange, had a career, and was considered a decent actress.  Since Mean Girls, that shit’s been declining as fast as you can say GET IN MY VAG when you’re drunk and horny.

Even with three trips to rehab, nothing could save this girl from paaaaaartying her life away and surrounding herself with nothing but drama filled antics.  And things just keep getting worse for the once actress.

She’s already admitted she can’t find work and now her new film, Labor Pains, is not only being axed from hitting theaters and going straight-to-DVD, but you can see this shit free of charge (aside from your cable bill) on ABC Family in July with the DVD release in August.  She plays a woman faking a pregnancy.  Shouldn’t be too hard for her since she was once used to get cock slapped in the vagina on a daily basis prior to her lesbian curiosity days.  Personally, I’d rather save money on the cable bill and not turn on ABC Family whatever night this shit’s premiering.  What is it with ABC Family? They already have that show about a pregnant teen…we need more preggo’s on this channel?

The film, however, will see an international theater release.  Makes sense, right? Lindsay, that OSCAR is TOTALLLLLLLY not that far away babe!

-C

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Payce out, beyatch! Rumor has it that 79-year-old TV legend, Barbara Walters, maybe retiring her old ass.  That’s 15 years too late in my book.  She’s telling friends that once her ABC contract expires shortly, she’ll be calling it buh-byes.

She’s apparently “burned out” and wants to relax.  Yeah no shit.  I’m fucking only 23-years-old and I’m already burned out and I have yet to begin a career.

An inside source said:

“Barbara’s thought long and hard over whether she wants to extend her contract when it expires with ABC this summer. It’s left her with many sleepless nights. ABC sees her as one of its marquee female stars and would like to see her continue, but Barbara’s decided she’s ‘done it all - many times over’ and wants some time for herself.”

First off, I can’t believe BIA is 79-years-old!!! Her vagine must be all cobwebbed and shit.  She probably has to dust it off before peeing.  I think she’s the oldest person alive in Hollywood and on TV for that matter since nowadays when you hit 35, they tell you to hit the road.  The source adds:

“Her career has spanned five decades. She told a pal, ‘I don’t want to be 80 and working the phones to land an interview with one of the nobodies Miley Cyrus who pass for celebrities today.’

That Barbara’s a bitch! I LOVE IT!

-C

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